I Can't Get Off

“Disturbing emotions not only disturb our own state of mind, they also disturb the minds of others.” --Dalai Lama

I know I’ve touched on this before, however it still has an everyday significance in our lives.  Let’s say spiritual, religious or personal practice isn’t your thing.  But you want to make a change or two to lessen the stress in your life.  I suggest this one change: do not keep people who are emotionally imbalanced in your life.

Vivian Green sings about it in Emotional Rollercoaster.  Everything she does to stay balanced is for not because she believes she cannot leave her lover’s emotional rollercoaster.  Lover, friend, co-worker, family – doesn’t matter the relationship.  What matters is realizing that there is energy sucking activity going on.  Personally the only sucking I like is either clit or cock.  Okay, add a nipple or two.  You can suck my toes; however, I will not suck yours.  Apologies, I digress.

The person (or persons) who want to draw you into their mire of emotional wreckage cannot, or will not, produce their own balance.  They truly need your energy to give them solace.  You can continue to use your energy to bolster their ride.  Or you can use your energy to create balance in your life.  Choices, choices, choices.  I’ve spent the past fifteen years allowing others to use my energy for their gain.  No more.  Today I use my energy for my balance, my life choices.  I invite you to do the same. 

Being Grateful

“If you don't think every day is a good day, just try missing one.” --Cavett Robert

I was asked to today: “Are you a glass-half-full or glass-half-empty person?”  After a slight pause I answered, “I’m a grateful-to-have-a-glass person.”

The Creation Myth

“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was talking with someone the other day after a meeting.  He shared with me he was anxious to leave and get home to check the mail.  He was waiting for a letter (which was a week late) and if it wasn’t in the mailbox, he was going to call the firm’s office.  I commented that it was almost 8 o’clock at night and no one would be there to address his concern.  Silence.  I quipped, “There is always a tomorrow.”  He replied, “Ya have to live like there is no tomorrow.”

He is right.  There is no tomorrow.  Tomorrow is an idea.  It does not exist, it will never exist.  To have thoughts about a tomorrow is to invite dissatisfaction.  The future, as we script it in our imagination, never comes to pass the way we envision it.  Tomorrow will always fall short when compared to those vividly crafted dreams reworked to perfection. 

I am right.  Another day will dawn.  There will be another moment beyond this one.  Though this moment is what matters the most, it does not stay still.  It evolves into another moment.  And another.  Eventually the moon will settle against the horizon and give way to a rising sun.   What is not a given is that I, a sentient being, may not be here to experience the next day.

Most people create a tomorrow in which they exist in it.  I believe it is from this premise we set ourselves up for continuous disappointment, or constant suffering.  Attachment occurs when I believe my existence is crucial to the sun rising in the morning.  Illusions begin when I act on the belief that the waxing of the moon requires my existence.  Such nonsense.  Yet we all go about our days making choices and taking action based upon this silliness.  Want to live like there’s no tomorrow?  Then live in this moment.  And nothing more.

Guess Who?

“The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.” –Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Staying silent.  Leaving out pertinent information during conversations.  Conscious bait-and-switch.  Subconscious behavioral patterns.  Fear-based reactions.  Attachments.

I find most people get into relationship trouble, especially in the fetish community, when they are not honest with themselves.  Don’t tell me you want to be someone’s play toy and then cry foul when you don’t get lovey, dovey texts throughout the day.  What would possess a kinky-only-in-the-bedroom type to submit a petition to be a collared slave?

I’m at that stage with my meditation where the shit bubbling up is self involved.  Sometimes it’s boring stuff.  Sometimes it’s scary stuff.  Whatever comes to the surface helps me keep an even keel in the sometimes confusing waters of FetishLand.  I encounter my share of biases.  For some I am “not real” because I won’t play privately with people I don’t know well.   For some I am “responsible” because I keep myself safe by playing in public play spaces.  Regardless of what others think, I am me.  Sometimes I get a meanie bug up my ass and one could tag my role as Sadist.  Sometimes I want to cause pain and  portray the pornographic image of a Dominatrix; therefore, you could identify me as a Service Top.  When I get the hots for someone who only wants it in the bedroom and then call me kinkster.

Every so often on FetLife a group discussion pops up about what constitutes a _______.  Fill in the blank with a FetLife role or what I refer to as a personal designation.  Today mine is posted as a Domme.  The dilemma I encounter with any fetish social network is the understanding of what these roles mean.  Someone asked me once if I was a Sadist.  My reply was, “I can be.”  I don’t hide the ebbs and flows of what comprises “me”.  And I know several others who don’t hide themselves.  For others who are stuck on the labels and the pigeonholes, this can be irritating.  For those who are aloof towards the labels, there is liberation.  For those who are releasing the attachments to roles or designations, there is life.

Hi! My name is...

“Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.”  --Rita Mae Brown

I have a Crossdressing.com profile.  I am on Twitter.  I have a Facebook page; though, I think I need to delete it.  I have a FetLife profile that is pretty barebones.  To the Fet World I show my links to this blog and my Rockin’ Robin tweets, tweets.  My reason for being such an information minimalist isn’t that I’m too lazy, too uppity, or too indifferent  to complete the profile in a traditional manner.  It is because I want you to get to know me through meeting me.  I am active on FetLife in order to know about events, to RSVP for the events I can get to, and to use their e-mail to keep in touch with friends.  That’s it.  I’m not advertising today for anyone or anything.  I’m going to munches, events, and workshops.  I meet people while I’m out and about doing devious and dubious shit.

Gone are the days of putting myself out there on a site, baring my soul and using electronic connections to make my personal connections.  The last two times I did this I got seriously singed.  If you take a whiff in my direction you may still pick up the lingering odor of burnt soul.  And I ain’t talking about fish sticks.

I cannot harp on this point enough.  Get off the computer every so often.  Go to a munch.  Go to an event.  Talk to real live-in-the-flesh people.  Assess how they carry themselves.  Do they look you in the eye when you are talking to them?  Do they listen to your questions?  What kinds of replies do you get?  Do they ask you about yourself?  Do they share equally about themselves?

There are several attributes and traits that are real turnoffs for me.  Like I don’t mind being cut off in conversations as long as the other person is completing my sentences, thoughts or is adding to the conversation.  However the act of cutting me off is annoying when someone does it to draw attention towards themselves.  Of course the consistent use of ‘coulda’, shoulda’ and oughta’ makes me want to run for the hills.  You can catch a little bit of this through emails or from a profile; however, most control freaks have learned to hide this aspect of themselves when writing.

So from my previous experiences exercising bad judgment I have learned something about myself.  I like to meet people.  I enjoy hearing their stories and sharing mine.  I like to laugh, smile and be nerdy-silly.  I enjoy people who have a positive outlook and are willing to laugh along side of me.  And who don’t mind me quoting a movie line or doing awful impersonations .  Because around me you never know…  Is it safe? … Is it safe?

High Fidelity

“Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose” -- Helen Keller

Remember the old recording tape commercials?  "Is it live, or is it Memorex?"  It was back in the day when hi fi was the quest.  High Fidelity.  Most people when they hear ‘fidelity’ think of someone or something being pure, loyal, faithful.  If I were to make the request for fidelity, you probably would think I’m requesting sexual and emotional exclusivity.  Well you’re wrong.  When I hear the word ‘fidelity’ I think of accuracy, proper representation, in-your-face truth.

If you are all about the kink and only want it in the bedroom, there is no shame in admitting it.  This is critical information when negotiating for a play partner.  Are you a dominant type wanting to do the nasty with another dominant type?  Cool beans.  If you are into cross dressing, yet play it straight in all other aspects of your life, then strut in them heels!  There are gg’s (genetic girls) who think you’re sexy.  Are you someone who only wants to bind people up in rope so you can take some wicked snapshots?  Excellente, my friend.

Psst…psst… stop your multitasking, your wondering thoughts.  Pay attention.  Focus.

Fidelity works for me because it means you’ve passed the scrutiny wand over your life, your dreams, your deep recesses, your garbage.  I find fidelity sexy.  There’s something magnetic about a person who says, “This is who I am.  This is what I’m about.” AND THEY MEAN IT!

As we “Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November” at the The Geeky Kink Event, hit me up for a worthy purpose.  We are going to find out if it’s live or if it’s Memorex.

A Eureka Moment

“Listening to people keeps them entertained.” –Mason Cooley

I’m a fairly good listener.  That is if you believe listening is about taking in what someone is telling you and filing it away in your memory banks.  I’m an awful listener if you believe listening is about being able to decode accurately what is being said.

I’m not the brightest star in the universe when it comes to assessing when people are being candid with their words or when they are misleading with their words.  I know why this is: most deceitful people truly believe their own bullshit.  It is their sincerity in the moment that trips me up.

Lately when I ‘sit’ (new to my blog? Translation: zazen) my thoughts have been migrating towards how to become a more open listener, how to accurately process what I am listening to.  I had a moment today.  Eureka!

Detach.  Detach from how I expect the message to be decoded.  I, as the receiver, am responsible for how the message gets into my data banks.  I have mostly started with the premise people don’t want to be caught in blatant lies; therefore, I consider detailed information as primarily valid.  This is my attachment.  Believing I can ascertain fiction from truth.  I cannot.  With this realization, the feeling of naked vulnerability set in.

Personal Standards

“Acceptance of prevailing standards often means we have no standards of our own.”  --Jean Toomer

I had a kick ass time at The Floating World this year.  It wasn’t because of the actual event itself.  It was because when I expressed an opinion or shared a personal belief, people did not counter with the words ‘you oughta’, ‘you coulda’  or ‘ you shoulda’.  At TFW2011 I was heard without people trying to convince me to change myself to fit their idea of a ____.  (Fill in blank with any word: Domme, woman, kinkster, old fart, short shit, sexy lady, attendee, chunk punk, femme.  Really, any word at all.)

We can get caught up in unconstructive patterns that lend themselves to messy relationships.  I used to invest a lot, and I mean *a lot*, of time with heated debates.  I would be casually chatting with someone, we’d get onto a topic, and then I’d express an opinion or a different perspective.  When I would receive a criticism or a ‘that’s just plain wrong’ response, I would try another way to explain myself.  I was coming from a place that they just weren’t getting what I was saying.  Since I was totally committed to being understood, I would keep trying to explain myself.  I now realize I don’t need to be understood by everyone.  I don’t need to be listened to.  I don’t need to sway converts to my standards.  I don’t need feedback that signifies my opinions are valued.  I just want to be heard.

I was a bit dense in my younger years.  I have this callus right here on the right side of my forehead (pointing to it now).  Too many episodes of banging my head against a wall.  Today I am not as dense.  And I don’t like the idea I can be any type of dense.  Alas, perfection evades me.

Today when I hear ‘you shoulda done this’ or ‘you oughta done that’, I’m getting better at recognizing that the person I’m talking to doesn’t like me for who I am.  And they want me to behave differently so I can exist in their carefully designed world.  Hell, they *need* me to behave in a certain way so I don’t upset their apple cart of reality.  My critical error of my youth was to keep insisting that if I were to ‘should’ and ‘ought’, then what I said would not affect my position.

It has taken me years to realize nothing I say to the other person will matter.  And if I enter into any type of long-term, life-connecting relationship with a person who frequently uses ought, could or should when communicating with me, I will either have to change my  behavior just to survive the relationship OR I will drive myself to self-induced psychotic depression.  Either I play-act while keeping grounded in a reality I keep to myself OR I adopt the other person’s idea of reality and lose myself, my own standards.

I tell someone I didn’t bring a strap-on with me to the play space.  I tell them I left it behind.  If I hear, “Well what did you bring?  Whatcha got in that satchel?”, then I know I’m talking with a person who likes me, the real me.  And I want to have this kind of person in my life.  If I hear, “Josh, golly gee Sergeant.  You should never leave that behind.  Why come if you aren’t going to bring your strap on?”, then I know I’m talking with a person who probably will always find something disappointing or lacking about me.  And I don’t want that.

My Connections

There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are."  --Frederick L. Collins

I attend fetish events to go to workshops, have opportunity to meet really great people and to soak in the energy of being in “play-space”.  No fetish attire.  I wear simple black t-shirts, denims and black Army boots.  No hooking up.  If I want a relationship with you (even a strictly sexual one), you will give me time after the event.  I view the lifestyle as a path to expand my sense of sense.  It is not about getting some nookie.  It may have been how I entered the lifestyle; however, I am not that 20 something nymphet going to swinger parties and falling into the rabbit hole by way of an errant invitation. 

Today I am connecting with people who come into the room and say, “Ah, there you are!”  And it won’t matter we haven’t seen each other for a year or so.  The joy to reconnect will fuse time into a trivial concern.  What I’m wearing won’t matter.  Nor will their happiness to see me be contingent upon the possibility of me to drop my drawers.

I believe part of the reason so many people have post event ‘drop’ is because they attend thinking that this is *it* until the next event.  When I leave an event, I am excited.  I know that over the next few months I’m going to connect with some really great people.  (Doing my happy dance right now!)

Getting Back On Track

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” --Joseph Campbell

When I was starting out my adult life I had opportunities that would have taken me down roads of professional success.  However what I choose was laid back opportunities so I could take time off to travel.  Meeting people, seeing places, having experiences, learning first hand through action – these are what I craved.  (And I still do.)  Then shit happened.  I started to make decisions not based upon what sang to my soul, but decisions to feed my ego.  I have to live with the consequences of actions I took all those years ago. 

I made one decision.  And many more followed.  I made them in order to cling to a sense of belonging with people who said they loved me.  I felt important and special.  However as time went on I began to realize I was unhappy with the compromises I made.  I spent to the past twenty years making one concession after another.  I’ve made plans with specific outcomes in mind.  Sometimes they were about pride and stubbornness.  Sometimes they sprung from foolishness and self-gratifying materialism.

I have spent the past year or so grieving for the death of these plans I made many years ago.  I meditate upon the knowledge that dreams of an idealistic 20 and 30 something are not the core of my identity, my sense of purpose.  As I am a stone’s throw from my 50s, I have started to unravel that which I tangled myself up into.  I am choosing to return to a laid back a way of being.  It may not add to my pension fund, several residences or a new car every three years, however I see what life has waiting for me.

Let's Make a Deal!

"The petty man is eager to make boasts, yet desires that others should believe in him. He enthusiastically engages in deception, yet wants others to have affection for him. He conducts himself like an animal, yet wants others to think well of him." –Xun Zi

I want to think people are inherently good.  I get happy thoughts when I think everyone is willing to do a good deed and has compassion in their heart.  I want to believe good triumphs over evil.  Sadness drapes over me when I think about all the Lord-of-the-Flies evil shit that happens in life.  Some of it isn’t out right evil.  Some of it is just avoidable pathetic crap.

My father had a seizure several years back.  My folks were living in Arizona at the time.  Dad had to surrender his license to the State once the hospital informed the DMV.  Because he had lost consciousness and control of his body, he has to surrender his license for several months.  So when someone goes on and on and on about all the seizures they have, describing how they lose consciousness and walk into walls while having a seizure, well needless to say I start asking questions.  When did you last see your doctor? Does your doctor know about these episodes?  When I hear the replies of “Recently” and “Yes”, I conclude either of two possibilities.  One is that the hospital or doctor is violating the requirement they report all episodes of seizures that involve a person losing consciousness, the ability for a person to control their muscles, and there’s a third criteria, however I forgot what it is.  Two, they person is lying.  When someone says it happened once, I’m going with what’s behind Door# 1.  When a person states this is an ongoing, repeating occurrence that medical professionals are aware of, I’m definitely choosing what’s behind Door#2.

Fear

“I never lie because I don't fear anyone.  You only lie when you're afraid.” --John Gotti

Pretty grand statement to make; him not lying and all.  Don’t know if he’s being honest, however, I know fear is a powerful motivator.  I know when I’ve acted out of fear, bad juju followed.  This is why I am drawn to Buddhism as a means to shed personal dissatisfaction from my being.  And it is why I write this blog.  To let you know you are not the only one.

Isolation occurs when we live with our fears too long.  We isolate ourselves or people push us away.

Self-imposed isolation occurs when you believe you cannot talk to anyone about “it”; therefore, you talk to no one.  It can be abuse, addiction, regret, shame, neglect, or a whole host of other circumstances.  The common denominator is you think you are the only one dealing with “it”.  Social isolation occurs when we’ve lied to others with such frequency people don’t want to be around us.  It is when people don’t want to be around the bullshit.

I hope my blog assures you that you are not alone.  Our experiences may be different, but our fears are the same.  Realize everyone has been on both sides of the spectrum.  Sitting and being quiet (meditating) has forced a sense of self-honesty that makes me, at times, very uncomfortable.

I understand how self-help groups can be beneficial to those of us who feel isolated because we can’t talk about “it”.  What Al-anon did for me was to realize I was not the only person who was taken to the cleaners by a person with a substance addiction.  What the group also showed me was this:  I was the only non-family member (parent, spouse, child) who attended.  I wasn’t married or related to Eric.  So as I sat with myself and meditated I asked, “Do you want to stay in fear?  Have you ever known him when he wasn’t an addict?  What’s makes you so special?  Do you really think he would get help while in a LTR with you? Can you admit you were just an easy mark, a sucker?  Can you forgive yourself?”

From AZ to BZ

“You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer 'yes' without having asked any clear question.” –Albert Camus

Oh, how true this is.

I divide my life into two phases:  before Zen (BZ) and after Zen (AZ).  During the BZ part of my life, I gravitated towards people who used charm as their social survival tool.  I didn’t see it for what it was.   I thought I had simply met someone who was as spontaneous as I was.  After some deep reflection and lots of sitting a few feet from the wall, I began to understand the difference.  They sell the figurative form as a literal structure.  Several in my life were selling it and I spent about 20 years buying it.  Sad to admit it but it’s true.

The last charmer in my life got me to buy that he needed $20 to attend an AA meeting because it was a closed meeting.  He explained to me ‘closed’ meant he had to pay in advanced for the whole month.  And each meeting was $5.  A year later I went to Al-anon meetings for a few months.  It was about the third meeting someone mentioned which meetings in town were ‘open’ and which were ‘closed’.  It had nothing to do with paying in advance and ALL meetings were donation-based.  I proceeded to tell the group about how he obviously deceived me.  They dubbed my story as the best con anyone had heard in a while.

I’m starting to become comfortable with believing he may be a pathological liar.  I don’t like thinking I’ve invited evil people into my life and the lives of my family.  However this one con was just a small drop in the bucket of cons I later discovered.  He used to sneak out of the house after I fell asleep to go drinking.  And he would take my car instead of his to go out.  (That scratch on the car I said was new, he claimed was not.)  That mega-computer he built and spent thousands of dollars for custom components was nothing but a fancy shell with cheap, dated technology.  He told me his manager cut his hours at work and he would file for unemployment.  Supposedly his claim was denied and he filed an appeal.  And supposedly he went to a hearing.  I even received an elaborate string of texts telling me of everything talked about with the referee.  Later I found out he was fired for missing work and did not qualify for unemployment.  (Though I was paying his bills with the understanding the payment for back benefits would be deposited any day now.) 

These are just a few of the instances when I bought his fiction later to find out he was lying.  I can guess he never went to the hospital to be with his mother.  I bet dimes to doughnuts that his cousin wasn’t severely beaten outside a bar.  (I questioned why the incident wasn’t in the news.  He said thy family wouldn’t let the paper print it.)  I’m cynical about his tales of abuse.  I’m sure I’ll never know fully the extent of his deceit, nor will I entirely comprehend the damage I allowed to occur by buying his bullshit. 

Sometimes the worst cons we experience are self-imposed.  We do it to ourselves.  So I sit and stare at a wall.  And I celebrate being in the AZ part of my life.  Time to shed my own illusions.

Go-betweens

“The most dangerous untruths are truths moderately distorted.” –Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

I am leery around ‘go-betweens’.  I call them ‘tweeners.  There are two types.  Those who believe it is their duty as a friend, leader, parental figure, or whatever rocks their world to take your information, your news, your stories and share it with whomever.   The caveat is the intention of the’ tweener is to advance their standing in the group; it is never for your benefit.  The second type is those who believe they have a right to act on what is told to them by the other type of ‘tweener.  I know, I know.  Sounds a bit like Who’s on first, What’s on second and I Don’t Know is on third.

Please keep in mind I am strictly dealing with the actions of those who act excessively as go-betweens without your best interests at heart.  I’m not talking about the natural sharing which happens in healthy relationships.  Passing on information is a very normal way for people to communicate.  What is not normal, or healthy, is the sense of displaced ownership a ‘tweener has about your info, your news and your stories.

I used to be a hardcore ‘tweener.  I was addicted to the passing of info.  The some dastardly shit happened to me, my family and a handful of friends by my careless playing around in drama-rama land.  By passing on info as much as I did and by keeping people in my inner circle who fed off what I was dishing out, I started a chain of events.  By the time it was over, the blood in the water was mine and the sharks circle for a feeding frenzy.  It wasn’t about breaking confidences; it was about participating in bad juju.  For a period of almost seven years or so I lived this unrighteous lifestyle.  I realize now how I allowed myself to get played like a pawn.

I have shared my hurt, my anger when I’ve recognized ‘tweening in action and it was causing a bit of drama.  As a ‘tweener in recovery I thought they would appreciate my input.  Not true.  Instead of being thoughtful and apologetic, they became angry themselves.  Because it was never their fault.  It was the other person’s fault.   Or their actions were righteous if I could just understand their reason for doing what they did.  They are sorry something not nice happened from my end; however, they really did have my interest at heart.

Why I am cautious around these folk is they tend to be people who do not take much stock in personal accountability.  Another generalization is a ‘tweener has the attributes of a major gossip.  Lack of accountability mixed with some gossip equates to a lifestyle of drama.  We have all heard these statements: “She said that you were no longer having problems with it and everything was fine.  So I had no idea.”  “He said he had just talked to you.  He said you wanted me to do that, so I did.”

What do you want to hear when you say, “I was hurt by your actions.”?  Do you want to hear, “Sorry, but it wasn’t my fault cuz if Judy wouldn’t have made it sound like you were okay with it…?” Or “I apologize if my actions hurt you.  I won’t do it again.”

Saw a funny thing on the way to lunch...

“God is Pro-Life” –bumper sticker

Really?  I don’t think so.  God was not thinking pro-life when he sent the flood or set towns ablaze.  God sanctioned selective infanticide by an assassin in the middle of the night.

The ironic outcome from years of Sunday school and bible study was I stopped believing in a Judeo-Christian God.  I knew has a young child something was seriously wrong with what I had read and what I had been taught.  I formed my own thoughts. 

An enlightened being doesn’t kill to make their point or to teach a lesson.  An all-powerful being doesn’t respond with brute force to get his way, weak people do.  An all-knowing being doesn’t offer up free will to the newly created ‘kiddies’ and then gets angry when they exercise their free will.  If God were an all-knowing being then he would have known what all mere mortal parents know:  If you don’t want the kids to eat cookies, then don’t have them in the house.

August 23, 2011

“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” -- Nathaniel Branden

School has started.  Daily musings cannot be daily this semester so I’m changing the title of my blog.

August 22, 2011

“Even more foolish is one who clings to words and phrases and thus tries to achieve understanding.  It is like trying to strike the moon with a stick, or scratching a shoe because there is an itchy spot on the foot.  It has nothing to do with the Truth.” –Yamada Mumon Roshi

Many of us in the lifestyle live in two worlds: public and kink.  Rarely the two shall meet.  So how do you know the really cool and funny person you met at a lifestyle event is a really cool and funny person 24/7?  You don’t.

Many moons ago I took a week off from work, rented a cabin in the middle of the woods and started to write my Dictionary.  I took pen to paper and started to write my own definitions to words like companion and success.  I spent seven years creating what was to be the start of a new life and eventually a workshop series.  My goal was to create a nonprofit self-discovery institute on 20 acres in Cooks Forest.  We would hold seminars and workshops for other like minded folk.  Creating a Personal Dictionary and Life Diary were to be the keystones of the institute.

Well, the Dictionary made an impact in my life.  It created a false security in those who were within my sacred circle.  After the loss of a long-term relationship, a fledging poly situation and a business, I no longer have a Dictionary.  I discovered people are not to be trusted with words, mine or theirs.  Today I observe.  I pay attention to behavior, to actions.

August 21, 2011

“A moment of silence is not inherently religious.” –Sandra Day O’Conner

Ain’t got nothing to say today.  So I offer silence.

August 20, 2011

“Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned.” –His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Experience tells me that crazy shit can happen in our lives.  It also tells that many people take advantage of a generous nature in others.  Logic tells me it can’t rain every day.  It also stands to reason that nothing says up on a high forever.  Experience tells me that huge mood swings, the high highs and the low lows, are not nature states of being.  Logic tells me the day-to-day stuff as mundane as it is, presents us raw truth and clarity.

August 19, 2011

“There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.” --Willa Cather

I’ve learned some important lessons from the people in my life over the years.  Here’s an impromptu list.

Debbie taught me ambitions based on sensual pleasures are fleeting.  Tim taught me to keep my phone face turned downward and hidden from view.  Joanne taught me women can be conniving philanders too.  Eric taught me how to guard my wallet and the best places where to hide bottles of booze.  Kathleen taught me not all strangers are a Good Samaritan.  Leslie taught me jealously can be a very destructive force.  Jenny taught me a drunk can throw a frozen turkey with a lot of force.  Mom taught me blood doesn’t always make a family.  Dad taught me brute force is a frustrated man’s weapon.  Mark taught me that sometime it’s not good to hang on for ‘old times sake’.  Mike taught me that emotions unchecked can stunt one’s growth.

August 18, 2011

“Force always attracts men of low morality.” –Albert Einstein

Kinky folk, we are a different breed.  Some are extremely comfortable with giving/asking permission with everyday activities, like when to exercise, eat and use the toilet.  Some are not.  Actions I may consider critical to maintain a healthy M/s relationship someone would consider abusive.  When we accept the different expressions of kink within M/s dynamics, we create a healthy community.  We compromise the health of our community when we allow negative judgment and ignorance to exist unchecked.

August 17, 2011

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” –Winston Churchill

Naïve Optimism; Healthy Cynicism; Simple Reality; Spirited Hope; Truth.

People who cannot generate their own happiness or dreams are not on my Holiday Card List.  Just the idea of being around such dark energy gives me the heebie-jeebies.  “Why?” you ask.  Simple.  They expect you to divert your time, energy and resources to them so they can accomplish what’s on their agenda.  Your happiness and dreams are not relevant.  You are not relevant.  Well, except for the time, energy and resources you can provide.  Therefore, you as a person are not ‘seen’ or respected.  You are ‘seen’ only as a means to their end.

How do you know you are in a relationship with a energy-leech?  Tell them you need to spend some time working towards your own dreams.  Tell them you are going to start spending you energy elsewhere.  Tell them you can’t pay their bills anymore.  Watch their reaction.  If they throw up a big fuss or lay a huge guilt trip your way, get rid of the fuckers.

August 16, 2011

“A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.” –Doug Larson

I think too much.  I know.  And my thinking gets me into all kinds of trouble!  For instance, I am beginning to think that striving for a clear conscience is psychobabble bullshit.  Our conscience is the inner voice acting as a guide to choose right conduct over wrong conduct.  Fine.  What if someone insists their actions are righteous?  A rationale explanation is created ‘cause it’s their story and they’re sticking to it.  Anyone who has been in a relationship with an alcoholic or philander knows what I’m talking about.  So I started to think maybe having a clear social conscience makes for better behaving human beings. 

But then I started to think about all the shit people have done in the name of the social good or social values.  Nhem En’s rationale was he was just a photographer.  He didn’t do anything.  It was the guards and other staff at S-21 who committed the atrocities.  En only took the pictures.  And if it wasn’t him, En said it would have been someone else.  I am beginning to think that striving for a social conscience is psychobabble chicken shit.

For all this thinking I’m left with shit.  What’s the alternative?  Stop thinking.  Or as the Eightfold Path guides us: Stop wasting mental capacity on wasteful thoughts.  Fuck.  That was easy!  (Hey, where’s a Buddha Easy Button when you need one!)

August 15, 2011

“Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind.” –Lionel Hampton

My mother gave me up for adoption when I was born.  She took me from my adoptive parents when I was 6 months old.  I never have gotten a clear answer from her or any other family member as to why.  She always acted as if she never wanted me.  She was a reluctant caregiver who was apathetic for all the years I can remember living under her roof.  This is the most cohesive version of events I have gathered from a mixture of explanations.

Readers Digest:  Mom went out with a guy a few times.  Five months later, she tells Grandma she’s pregnant.  Grandma takes Mom over to his house to tell his family.  Family says he cannot marry Mom because he’s marrying someone who is also pregnant.  Grandma sends Mom to a house for wayward girls.  (Keep in mind I was born in the early 60s.) Doctor says Mom’s too far along to have abortion.  So Mom stays at the house until I’m born.  I’m taken to my adoptive family.  At this point Mom has signed two sets of documents for the adoption process.  After six months Mom needs to sign the third, and final, set of documents to complete the adoption.  She won’t sign.  Court hands me back to Mom.

I can give you a laundry list of events in my life that injured/strengthened me and brought me to this place.  However, it is not where I focus most of my energy these days.  I know in my heart that I would be a shattered soul if it were not for the unconditional love I received in the first six months of my life.  I have gratitude in my heart for people I do not remember.  I tried finding them several years back; however, states are not used to requests like mine:  I lived with a family for 6 months before the Court gave me back to my biological mother.  Can you help me find my real parents?

August 14, 2011

“Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” -- Dr. Viktor Frankl

Tolerance is the ability to accept different views expressed by others.  It is an attribute I greatly value in others.  In fact is one of the top ‘must haves’ for people I allow into my sacred circle.  I listen for someone to say, “Hey, it’s good you think this; however, I think that.”  Or to say, “I think this and you think that.  Hey, there’s lots of ways to approach the subject.”  Even such a simple thing like how best to reverse out of a parking space.

August 13, 2011

“Truth only reveals itself when one gives up all preconceived ideas.” --Gido Shoseki

I spent many years being unhappy and angry.  I spent years leaving the responsibility of honesty and truth to be revealed by others.  I invested raw emotion in a few precious relationships.  In turn I expected these special people to be accurate with what they wanted and what they needed.  It never created the result I was longing for.

It has only been these past few years I have come to realize I was basing my relationships upon others to be honest with me about their real intents and motives.  I know, I know.  Dumb.  Totally an epic fail.  Today I’m taking responsibility for the truth in my life.  I hear the words, but I believe the actions.  And I find joy in people who are consistent with their words and actions.

I know this may seem like a simple lesson one learns early in life; however, I was raised in a family where secrets and inconsistency are the norm.  Today finding joy in life is my normal.

August 12, 2011

“Not being able to govern events, I govern myself.” –Michel de Montaigne

“This didn’t go right!”  “That is all wrong!”  “Let me tell you what the problem is with what’s-her-name.”  “He is so clueless; that’s why nobody likes to be around him.”

I have found the more a person tries to control outside forces, the unhappier they are with their lives.  It shows in their words and their intent with those words.  And I like to have too much fun in my life to be dragged down by Dottie Depression and Alan Asshole.  Being around chronically unhappy people is such a waste of my white energy.  Downers and jerk-wads are prone to be life-draining vampires, feeding off of the positive in the world.  They don’t seem to know how to create their own, so they leech it from others.  No thanks!  I’d rather donate my share to the American Red Cross.

I have participated in meaningful relationships based upon the back-and-forth passing of negative energy flow.  (Hey, I said meaningful; I didn’t say healthy.)  Been there and done that.  Don’t want that no more.   ‘Cause I can’t get no satisfaction.  Though I tried and I tried and I tried, and I tried.  Unhappy doesn't do it for me.  Joy does. 

You gotta wanna be there.  Just like I gotta wanna be there.  I’m not interested in beating down a sentient being into submission or coaxing in them into compliance.  I get my ‘top cookies’ (Thanks b_playful for letting me steal your line!) when someone asks for more and really, really means it.  This is why I cannot consider a bratty submissive or slave.   I expect the other person on the business-end of my cane to offer their ass up to me willingly.  No pretense, no whining.  Okay, okay, crying is allowed.  Asking for additional strokes is good.  Coming back for more is sweet.  Oh so sweet, like oatmeal raisin cookies! 

August 11, 2011

“If you are not happy here and now, you never will be.” –Taisen Deshimaru

 If you’ve been around me for any length of time, you’ll hear me occasionally say, “I am blessed.”  I do my best to stay in this space and open my mind to the knowledge that I am here, now.  When I am aware of negative emotional torrents are swirling about, I move my mind to the positives in the moment.  I open myself up to the truth: for all that has been and all that is, I am blessed.  It is from this place I take refuge.  I take refuge in the Buddha. I take refuge in the Dharma.  I take refuge in the Sangha.

August 10, 2011

 “Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.” –Salvador Dali

Well I came damn close at The Floating World a few weekends ago.  I bunked with excellent roomies.  I met wonderful people.  I attended great workshops.  Even though a couple ‘not so pleasant’ things happened, it was still as perfect as it could get. 

I have bunked with all the Negative Neds and have attended workshops with more than a few Unconstructive Ursulas.  I know about how the wrong mix of people can turn a great event into a below par gathering.  I believe it had to do with our positive attitudes.

THANK YOU to a few of the positive people who helped make TFW a ‘as close to perfection’ wonderful 5 days:  LonePariah8, b_playful, RavenBound, Bluerisk, LadyTasha, DuhGuy, MissBella, Sparkdog, SirTucket, InspiredWarrior, downlow, electricdave.  Thanx and vielen Dank!

August 9, 2011

“Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.” –Rene Descartes

[Let me start by thanking the six steady readers of this blog.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!]

I sent a post to an event’s thread saying I was interested in find a roommate who already had a room.  I made what I thought was a witty and brilliant comment: quiet, neat, doesn’t snore and my shots were up to date.  I was chatting with someone a bit later.  They commented that perhaps I inadvertently offended  prospective roomies and perhaps my comment was a tad to dry for most tastes.

I thought about it, re-read my post, and realized their comment had merit.  If I miss out on half-priced accommodations, then so be it.  The post is out there.  I do not regret my choice of words; they speak to who I am.  However, who I am may be a bit lighter in the wallet because if no one replies, then I’ll have to secure accommodations for the full price.  Overall this is such a minuscule problem compared to other problems one has to deal with in life.

August 8, 2011

“Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.” –Robert Frost

A lovely lady and I were dancing one night.  I was having a great time.  She leans towards me and says loudly, “We only have --.”  I lean closer to her and say, “Excuse me?” and indicate I did not hear her.  She repeats herself, this time louder.  “We only have BDSM sex.”  I freeze for a few seconds, process what she just said, shrug, go back to dancing and continue having a great time.

The statement took me aback.  What does BDSM sex mean to her?  Does her Master realize what she told me?  How does this relate to the poly talks we’ve been having?  I figure, when the time comes they’ll ask me if I have questions about such an odd comment.  So time goes by.  I’ve been to their place before.  At that time, I was ready to hop into the sack.  Yet she said, “No.  It’s not the right time.”  He said he always defers to her decision.  The next time I go to their place I’m totally into the hockey game and stay planted on the couch.

It was the last time I went over to their place.  It really was the last time we all three sat down and talked.  And they never did explain what that comment had to do with poly.  My intuition told me it is what she says to other dominates to start a conversation about having me change my FetLife profile to ‘Switch’, add a D/s relationship tag that I am subordinate to them and then make available to them any slave, submissive or play partner I may have or consider.  There was no overt announcement or suggestion made to me.  I was strictly my intuition talking to me as I sat and meditated over that very simple statement: “We only have BDSM sex.”

And if I were to tell you (as Paul Harvey would say) ‘The Rest of the Story’, I could fill another two blog entries!  However what I want to say with this entry is this: Sometimes when people say nonsense things, it really is nonsense.

August 7, 2011

“Do not follow the ideas of others, but learn to listen to the voice within yourself. Your body and mind will become clear and you will realize the unity of all things.” –Dogen Zenji

Our actions affect others, regardless of how much we delude ourselves into thinking otherwise.  When we are young it is easy to stay in invested in the delusions.  Like when I was a wild 19 year old and borrowed Laurie’s car to go on a date.  And when my date, Debbie, invited me back to her place, I had a choice:  wild night with a hot chick or getting the car back to Laurie so she could go to work later that morning.  I remember that night with mixed emotions.

Sex with Deb was H-H-H-O-T!  I’m still smiling about it almost 30 years later.  However when I got back home, Laurie was waiting for me.  The look on her face and the pain in her voice about all the trouble she was in due to calling off work at the last minute was the ice water that cooled the ‘next day’ warm afterglow.  Knowing I caused hurt and pain for a selfish reason was a wakeup call that has shaped me.

Terrifying to know there are people who continue to hurt others even after being witness to the anguish they’ve caused.  Pretty fucked up if you ask me.  One would hope that people would develop compassion and realize we are all connected.  Maybe that’s what drives people to continue hurting others.  They don’t have the balls to leave others out of their self-hate.    What a concept: nonconsensual surrogate suffering.

August 6, 2011

“Wow, look at the grass stains on my skin. I say, if you knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.”  --Calvin and Hobbes

I’m flirty.  I like to have fun.  I dance when I hear good music and I don’t care where I am or who’s around.  I can talk to strangers as if we were BFFs.  On the flipside, I can sit in a room full of people and barely utter a peep.  I can sit by myself off in a corner and block out the world.  I can be outgoing one moment and reserved the next.  Classic Libra.  Typical me.  Either way, life is not waiting for me nor am I waiting for it.

August 5, 2011

“We were always dreaming of how it was going to be.”  –George Lucas

During my morning walk today a random thought passed through:  What would I do if I ever won the lottery?  Well, here’s my list.

Donate to the Zen Center, Deep Spring Temple.  Front load educational savings plans for some special people in my life.  Donate funds to a friend so she can start her non-profit educational group and art studio.  Create or add to an existing scholarship project for TG/TS students.  Start a Zen Center here in town.  Donate to the Disabled American Veterans organization.  Donate to Save the Children.  Create a foundation that buys small, local lots or pieces of land so families can grow their own fresh foods.  Buy a Motto Guzzi.