July 27, 2011

“Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.” --Paul Tillich

After some self-reflection, many trials and tribulations, much contained desire, and setting aside dreams of a fairy tale existence, I have decided to dust off my copy of “The Ethical Slut”.

July 26, 2011

 “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.” --George Carlin

I have seen beauty.  I have seen people give without hesitation.  I have looked on when people performed selfless acts for another.  Tears come to me when the memories drift back.  And I let the emotions go.  I wipe away any tears and I blow my nose.  Then I see the decline of our western civilization, Spheeris-style.  I hear ‘Johnny Hit and Run Pauline’; I know where I am.

Nobody wakes up one morning and says, “Today I will become a cynic.”  We come to this state of being from experiences that left us emotionally disfigured.  I have my scars from years of being stubborn.  I acted persistently upon a belief most people will take action to ease the suffering of others, even someone outside of their “family” or “group”.  I truly believed most people would act with true compassion once they saw suffering.

At the very least, people would not take action to prey upon a weakened soul and hurt it further.  But most people do prey.  And they will do harm.  We all know someone who has used excuses (an addiction, imperfect parents) to validate the harm they inflict upon others and us.  Their actions say, “My need for self-gratification is paramount to anyone and anything.”  Tears come to me when painful memories drift back.  Then I let the emotions go.  I wipe away any tears and I blow my nose.  I see once again people give without hesitation.  I see beauty and know where I am.

July 25, 2011

“Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings.” –Helen Keller

I had a sad moment today.  Apathy exists when I am viewed as a stranger, an outsider.  Apathy will stand idly by as disaster knocks at my door.  It will not sound a warning. 

Those who cloak themselves with indifference excuse their lack of action by saying, “She is not one of us.  What hurt comes her way will not affect us.  Her pain is not ours.  She is not one of us.”

July 24, 2011

“It is difficult not to write satire.” --Juvenal

When I was a little girl I used have books about Aesop’s Fables and Greek mythology.  They left an impression that has lasted to this day.  Years ago some people went wild for All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.  I stayed wild for the fables and myths.  One of my favorite fables is about the Scorpion and the Frog. 

Summary is:  Scorpion asks Frog for a ride across the stream.  Frog has doubts and asks Scorpion, “How do I know you won’t sting me?”  Scorpion answers, “If I sting you, I’ll die with you.”  Frog lets the Scorpion’s answer ease her doubts.  Scorpion hops on Frog.  Half way across the stream Scorpion stings Frog.  As they both are starting to sink into the deep waters, Frog asks, “Why?”  Scorpion answers, “I’m a scorpion.  It’s my nature.”

 
Do you know any scorpions? Are you ever the scorpion?   When are you the frog?  The fable shows us clearly the Scorpion’s nature; however, is it as dramatic as to illustrate the Frog’s nature? 

(Heheh heh, Beavis, she said, “hops on frog,” uh heh heh heh, Uh… is this like Hops on Pop? heh heh)

July 23, 2011

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you"
- Friedrich Nietzsche

 Where most of us get into trouble is with our threshold for accepting lies.  We are told they are real:  Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.  We are told we’ll grow up to be strong if we eat spinach.  We are told our pets went to a farm out in the country.  And for most of us these are the worst lies our parents tell us.  For most of us our limits for tolerating deceitful behavior is very low.  Then there are those who have almost no limits.

 
Imagine living with parents who don’t stop lying.  Imagine you are a child with parents who are divorced.  You, two of your brothers and your father live in a small two bedroom apartment.  Your mother and two other siblings live 20 miles away in a 4 bedroom house.  Your mother tells you the reason you cannot live with her is because your father is a better parent.  And your mother convinces you to lie to the others because she picks you up frequently, takes you to a drive through, and brings you back home.  Or your dad asks you to lie about how much money he gave you to go on vacation with your mother because if you tell her the truth she will take your most of your money.

Some people are upset at being told lies.  Or being asked to participate with a lie.  Some people are raised with lies and this is their way of life.  Their sense of self is intertwined with being lied to.

July 22, 2011

“To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. “ --Friedrich Nietzsche

Some stories are outright funny.  Some are definitely not funny; they are downright sad.  This one is a comedic blend of both.  Remember the guy with the five kids?  When I met his middle kid, I thought the boy was older.  (I’m going to call him John in this story.  He is no longer a minor; however, I believe in this situation it is best to use a pseudonym.)

Don’t remember why or how I volunteered to drive a bunch of kids from Point A to Point B.  But I did.  So I have kids crammed into my car and some of the kids are talking about getting their driver’s license soon.  I remarked, “Well John, you’ll be getting yours in a couple years.”   Just as I said this, I looked into the rearview mirror.  John shot me a dirty look and said, “What are you talking about?  I’m only 13.”  Initially his reaction shocked me.  Most kids when you guess they are older are flattered and seem proud to appear ‘all grown up’.  So I make a quip about him being big for his age and drop it.

Time goes by and I’m in the office with Father-of-Five when he gets a phone call.  It’s the psycho ex-wife.  She just got a copy of John’s birth certificate in the mail.  (John needs a passport so he can go to Canada with family.)  He’s not 14.  He’s 15.  And his 16^th birthday is only a few months away!  After all the back-and-forth over the phone, they realize one of them put down the wrong birth year when enrolling him at private school.  It seems John had two ‘5 Years Old’ birthday celebrations!  And when John transferred from the private school to public high school, the wrong year transferred with him.

You know all these thoughts were floating around in my head:  “Even if one of them wrote down the wrong year, you’d think the other parent would have corrected it sometime in the past 10 years!”  “Didn’t the grandparents notice one of the grandkids was 5 years old for 2 years?”  “This kid has been reading the wrong Chinese horoscope.”  “What the fuck is wrong with this family?”

To answer that I would have to tell you more stories.  Like when I met the youngest one, I truly thought he was a family friend or cousin.  No family resemblance.  Another story saved for another day.  Back to John.  I think he knew.  Deep down I think he knew and that is why his reaction towards me was intensely negative.  Or maybe he simply thought I was a bitch.

July 21, 2011

“To control negative physical and verbal actions, it is necessary to get at the root, the mind, and tame it.”  --His Holiness the Dalai Lama

The practice of sitting with one’s thoughts is about acceptance.  No guilt.  No regrets.  No running away and hiding.  You sit with yourself and observe.  Sometimes the thoughts are about dull everyday stuff.  Sometimes pleasant thoughts and nice memories creep in.  Sometimes a really dark, a really disturbing thought pops up.

A practitioner is encouraged not to deny the dark thoughts that arise.  You are to sit and let go of the thought.  You don’t take action towards or away from it.  You accept ‘it’ for what it is – a thought.  Taming the mind is not about suppressing your disturbing thoughts.  It is about acknowledging their existence.

July 20, 2011

“How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct.” --Benjamin Disraeli

Several posts ago I list advantages to being a ‘non-TNG’ dominant.  For instance, I know when to be silent.  I can read an online article, a blog, a FB status update without making a comment.

We all do it.  Surf a bit to see who and what is out there.  Some stuff I come across scares the shit outta me.  The author of an article wants me to make the connection between symbols on a Freemason’s ceremonial apron and the evils of religion.  An article digests the statistics from a study on increased internet use correlated to increased social isolation.  Bloody think tank group is making argument over argument to support their position for privatization of health care in the UK.

I read as much as I need to satisfy my curiosity.  Then I move on.  Simple.

Having the ability to think, to produce a thought, does not mean you can produce intelligent thought.  Concrete thinkers grasp only the surface of a thought, that which is overt.  Abstract thinkers have the ability to perceive beyond what is stated and formulate new thoughts.  If I remember correctly, concrete thinking is usually associated with the Preoperational Period of cognitive development.

Caregivers you know what I’m talking about.  “Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?”  “You said Santa comes after midnight.  It’s only 9 o’clock so why do I have to go to bed now?”  “Auntie, Grandma said you were fatter.  You look the same to me.”  “Come to our house tonight for a haircut.  Mommy has hair clippers in her bedroom.  I hear her using them.”  (Damn you, Magic Wand!)

Most humans pass this development stage by 7 years of age.  So grow the fuck up!

July 19, 2011

“You can be sincere and still be stupid.”  --Charles F. Kettering

Hey, we all do stupid shit.  Sometimes we do it without malice or ill intent.  Chalk it up to participating in the human experience.  However on occasion the snarky monster sneaks out.  Or the inner bastard bursts from our thoughts.

I read somewhere (I think a book by His Holiness the Dalai Lama) that to insult someone is a sin.  However to be insulted is a greater sin.  (If it was HHDL, then I am sure the word he used before translation was ‘transgression’.)

Here is my quandary:  I want to live a tempered life in which I do no new harm.  I want to tell assholes their stupid comments are idiotic.  I want to live a life in which I am not acting harshly towards others.  I want to be able to hit the delete button and send all SOBs to hell.  I want to transcend my urges to harm other human beings.  I want to smash their faces under my boot.

I know how I want to be in order to sustain my spiritual health.  I know how I want to be in order to seek revenge for a perceived personal slight.  Decisions, decisions, decisions.

July 18, 2011

“There is always a way to be honest without being brutal.”  --Arthur Dobrin

Respecting a person’s right to agree is not necessarily the same as agreeing to disagree.  In my experience most people tend to disagree over the facts of a situation.  The longer the disagreement goes on, the more likely the disagreement turns into an argument over petty details.  Want to get down to brass tacks?  Ask the other person what their intent was.

I remember going round and round with an ex about the facts of a situation.  Our disagreement revolved around personal expectations within our open relationship.  His position was meeting my girlfriend without letting me know was not a gross violation.  My position was on the opposite end of the spectrum.  After a few rounds of “How could you?” a light bulb went off.  “You have been leaving the house to train for the Peanut Butter Bike Race; however, you end up tapping Joanne before you hit the trails.  What was the purpose for not telling me about the pre-ride tune ups?”

The answer was, “It felt naughty.”  The truth without attacking me or diminishing the relationship.

My response was, “You need to move out.”  The truth without attacking him or diminishing the relationship.

July 17, 2011

“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's.” --Billy Wilder

Sitting still is a boring activity.  However the more I sit, the more engaged I am to my life choices.  At a tortoise pace I am observing and recognizing emotions as they arise.  My self-evaluation has less “I coulda” and “I shoulda” thoughts rolling around my noggin.  A different energy has affected my decision making.  “Stay still.  What am I feeling?  Why is this emotion present?”

It has become important for me to be honest with myself as to why this particular emotion at this particular time.  “Why am I feeling anxious to answer the phone when she calls?  I’m talking to her about being under consideration.  Why am I feeling this way?”  After some honest dialogue I began to realize almost every day there was a new crisis happening in her life which she would complain about.  I don’t like being around people who stay stuck in the complaining.  I like solution oriented people.  For me complainers are energy draining psychic vampires.  I find ‘solvers’ are symbiotic with energy flow.  When I was honest with my emotions I was honest with my response.  “I can’t consider you.”  I shouldn’t feel anxious when I answer the phone.   I want a slave who is creative, optimistic, self-motivated, reliable, and supportive.  A slave who accepts personal accountability for her actions. 

I am so glad I made this choice after a few weeks.  However, it was not I who told her first that I could not keep her under consideration.  Remember the couple I was talking to about entering into a poly situation?  The collared half told her.  I had externally processed my decision while visiting the couple.  ‘Collared half’ told ‘soon not be under consideration’ the next day.  This was the second less-than-respectful use of my information by this person.  ‘Collared half’ knew I was going to privately talk with ‘soon not to be’ the following evening.  This time anger and hurt were the emotions.  And my immediate response was to stop giving my information with either of them.  Which is really unfortunate.  The Master half of the couple is a really great guy and I like him.

My mistake was processing with a person who had already used my information in a less-than-respectful manner.  My solution is to stop the habit of externally processing with people.  Period.  I  just need to sit still.  I used to think I would receive benefit by processing with someone else to get all sides of a situation before making my choice.  However instead of seeing this as an act of trust and strength, I have come to realize most people see it as an act of weakness to exploit.  I am grateful to have learned this lesson.  The benefit has been I now practice sitting still with a renewed enthusiasm.

July 16, 2011

“Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.” –Harriet Braiker

Listen, no one is perfect.  Not me, not you.  Want another litmus test for identifying decent folk from the assholes?  Pay attention to how people handle mistakes.  Not just their own, but the mistakes made by others.

 
“Danger, Will Robinson” alarms go off in my head when I hear too many excuses offered over someone having a human moment.  It saddens me when “friendly fun” is used to shame or berate someone over an error.  I take notice when strenuous effort is made to explain why it really isn’t a mistake at all.

I tend to avoid people who want to sidestep accountability because most of them are jerks.  People who focus on excuses are dodging personal accountability.  Show me a person who excels at excuse-making and I’ll show you someone who shouldn’t have your vote of confidence.  Excuses stunt personal growth.  (Sounds like a bumper sticker.)

July 15, 2011

“Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.”  --Richard Carlson

There are people who take action to minimize stress.  There are people who take action to create stress.  There are people who freely admit to feeling exhilarated when life is at its most stressful.

I have a test to discover who the sane people are.  I share that I identify as Buddhist.  If I receive a reaction that is indifferent or one of acceptance, then I know I’ve met a sane person.  If I receive a reaction that is defensive or full of “hateful humor”¹  then I know I’ve met a crazy fucker.

 ¹  I’ll deal with this one at a later date.

July 14, 2011

“Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines.” –Satchel Paige

Observing in the moment.  Not allowing emotion to overwhelm.  It takes practice.  Practice as a verb is the action to perform (an activity) or exercise (a skill) repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain one's proficiency.¹  Action.  Not rhetoric, not theory.

I practice by sitting still and gazing at a spot on the wall above the floor molding.  As I sit in position thoughts come and go.  I welcome the thought and then just as quickly I say goodbye to it.  In the beginning my thoughts are about everyday stuff.  “When do I need to pick up the dry cleaning?”  “Did I add hot sauce to the shopping list?”  “Gotta water the plants.” 

However the longer I sit, the emotionally charged stuff begins to bubble up.  “When did I ever use the word ‘stalker’  And why broadcast my personal information to everyone?  Was her intent to embarras me or is she really that oblivious?”   “Fuck office politics.  Piss on them!”  “Vegas and New Orleans were fun.  But I shoulda, coulda bought the bike instead.”  This is when it becomes the real practice.  Instead of dealing with idle thoughts, I deal with the heavy emotional feelings.  “I recognize you.  Thank you for visiting.  Bye bye.”

This applies the same with positive emotions.  Difference is I allow the emotion to hang around a bit longer.  People think meditation is done so you can live in a constant state of bliss.  Not true.  Living in a state of up-on-high is just as dysfunctional as living in a state of down-on-low. A common phrase I hear is “The Middle Path”.  I translate the concept in my mind to “A Tempered Life”.  Right or wrong, it works for me.

 ¹  Thanks Google!

July 13, 2011

 "We carry about us the burden of what thousands of people have said and the memories of all our misfortunes. To abandon all that is to be alone, and the mind that is alone is not only innocent but young -- not in time or age, but young, innocent, alive at whatever age -- and only such a mind can see that which is truth and that which is not measurable by words." --Jiddu Krishnamurti

Zazen.  Shikantaza.  Kinhin.  Meditatation.  Sitting.  Slow walking.  Boring stuff.  As dull as it is, I still feel most alive once I stand up and go about my day.  This practice of sitting with the “beginner’s mind” gives me space to be aware of the nuances in my daily round.

Like when someone is being insincere.  When someone tells me a bald-faced lie.  When someone tells me a different version of a story I heard them tell someone else just an hour ago.  When someone rolls their eyes at me while I’m sharing a personal remark from my journal.  I see it.  I recognize it.  I know for what it is. 

However, I am mindful to just observe.  I “just sit” with the emotions that surge through my mind.  I welcome the anger, the rage, the hurt.  Then I allow the emotions to pass.  All this occurs while the person is looking right at me with a smile and a giggle.  In those few moments (of allowing emotions in and inviting them to pass), I realize this poor soul is lost and scared.  They are just acting out because they cannot let the emotions pass and see this moment for what it is.  They are stuck to ruminate in whatever misery they create.  Such sad fucks.

Hey!   I said I sit.  I didn’t say I was enlightened.

July 12, 2011

“When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback.” –William (Bill) Copeland

 No matter where you go in the kinkster community, you will discover it is quite a small and close-knit group.  Do not think you can tell a falsehood at home and it won’t be found out a few towns over.  Or even a few states away.  Maybe not today.   However know this:  people who routinely stretch the truth eventually get found out.

July 11, 2011

“A child's appetite for new toys appeal to the desire for ownership and appropriation: the appeal of toys comes to lie not in their use but in their status as possessions.” – Christopher Lasch

There are a lot of collectors out there.  They are charming and alluring.  They are seductive.  They are intuitive creatures who know how to find our hidden insecurities.  Before we know it we are another notch in their Cross.  We are another story they add to their novel and a series of photos to illustrate it.

There is a common theme with collectors.  It isn’t their fault.  When they explain to you why the last few relationships fell short of expectations, they tell lengthy stories about how they really were trying to make it work.  But that-girl or what’s-his-name had these insurmountable problems.

Here’s my over-the-top example.  There’s this guy who said his last three girlfriends were mentally imbalanced.  And a fourth girlfriend was nuts from daddy issues.  He has a psychotic ex-wife who he can’t live with.  But he can’t live without her because she is the mother of his five children.  And three or four of his coworkers were mentally ill because they spread such vicious lies about him.  (Yes, this is a real person.  No, I am not exaggerating his claims.)

Here’s my subtle example.  Anyone who is overly invested in changing you (or your actions) to fit their group, clique, or their idea of things should be.  I know, maybe a bit too subtle.  But accurate.

July 10, 2011

“There are three classes of intellects: one which comprehends by itself; another which appreciates what others comprehend; and a third which neither comprehends by itself nor by the showing of others; the first is the most excellent, the second is good, and the third is useless.” -- Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince

If freedom of thought or critical thinking skills where important to our culture then reality shows would have been an epic fail.  Be honest now.  Which would you rather be: the most excellent of academics or the most popular kid on the playground? 

 
(Director’s Cut to an alternate ending:  A Democrat, a Republican, and a Tea Bagger.)

July 9, 2011

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” –Mitch Hedberg

You think, “He is so lying to me!  I know he doesn’t care if my new project is successful.  Does he truly think I’m to believe a two minute blurb during this meeting constitutes genuine support?”  Your being wants to act on that thought.  (Time to blow this Popsicle stand!)  Your instinct to survive the social arena kicks in. (Wait.  I can’t leave the meeting!)

Here is where your mind begins to develop options.  Do I stay or do I go now? (Me debo ir o quedarme?)  If you stay, you struggle to suppress the instinct of flight.  If you go, you defer to your base instinct; however, there may be a price you pay socially.

And it all stems from the original thought, “He is so lying to me!  He doesn’t care if my new project is successful.  Does he truly think I’m to believe a two minute blurb during this meeting constitutes genuine support?”  But what if he REALLY does think he is giving you genuine support?  If your original thought were, “I am grateful for the two minutes.  And I will make them the best two minutes of this two hour meeting!”  Which thought will produce positive energy for a successful project?  Which thought restricts?  Which thought creates?

Faking it takes a lot of effort.  My experience is faking it just burns you out and leads to a deadend .  Being gracious takes no effort and you don't have to worry about finding the fake agua to water the fake plants.  “It is our choices…” said Dumbledore.

July 8, 2011

“Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.“ --Albert Einstein

Many, many moons ago I was chatting with someone in the way friends chat.  Nothing special I am sure.  Probably the usual boring small talk about how the day was going.  Then out of the blue the person says to me, “Hey, in case anyone asks you if you’re alright, just tell them everything’s fine.”  My response was a blank expression of shock.  And silence.  “Well I overslept and missed a meeting.  So I told the office that I was there before anyone else, but you called me in a panic because you got a flat tire and I had to leave to help you.”  More silence.  “Well, just in case.”  I broke my silence to express my frustration with being asked to participate in a lie.  (For the record, no one ever said anything to me.  I think everyone knew it was a lie.)

I don’t want to have as friends those who can create an elaborate, or semi-elaborate, lie while midstride.  First of all, to perform under pressure means they have had plenty of practice.  Secondly, if a person will construct a lie to not be chewed out by the boss then I know they’ll lie to me to avoid being held accountable.  Lastly, I’ll drive myself crazy trying to tease out the strands of truth from the manipulative bullshit.  And I’m not into scat.   ‘Cause no matter how much truth I find, there is still shit everywhere. 

July 7, 2011

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense" -Buddha

Buddha was such a rebel rouser!  Could you imagine the Pope saying this to his followers?  Or Billy Graham?

Buddha spent 45 years wandering and teaching.  And when it was all said and done he tells people not to believe the teaching because of he spoke them, but to put his teachings into practice and attain your own beliefs. 

True ownership of thought gives rise to personal accountability for action.

July 6, 2011

“One does not become fully human painlessly.” -- Rollo May

Set limits.  Disclose.  Act.  Reflect.  Restate.  Disclose.  Act.  Reflect.  Restate.  Act.  Ad infinitum.

This “Deming Cycle” is one of many paths to growth and exploration.  What I appreciate is it acknowledges the relationship with self is an enduring one.

I do not want a “one scene” relationship with my slaves.  By “one scene” I mean when the slave is only willing to relinquish control to me when it suits them or when they believe there is a payoff in the near future.  These types of relationships are fleeting.  I want a commitment of self.   Ad infinitum.

July 5, 2011

“...the large print giveth and the small print taketh away...” --Tom Waits, Step Right Up

News flash.  Sometimes I do not heed my own advice.  Crazy, huh?  One of my snippets of advice to a newcomer to the BDSM lifestyle is enter s-l-o-w-l-y into poly relationships.  I know from person experience.  And I’ve been on both sides of the equation.

There are so many swingers playing in the lifestyle who mask themselves under the cloak of poly.  There are some couples who are hitting rough patches in their own relationship who use the allure of poly to have unmet needs fulfilled.  There are some healthy poly families that are not monogamous, plural marriages.  And someone in the family may have time to spend the weekend with you; however, you may not be embraced by the others.  How does one ferret through the maze?  I listen to how and what is being communicated. 

The cornerstone to healthy poly families is their desire to communicate honestly.   If you start to notice inconsistencies between what they tell you compared to how they treat you, chances are you are dealing with swingers or a unhealthy poly family.  The words are, “Of course we would like to do ______ (insert hobby or vanilla interest) with you.”  The actions over a few months are all about partying and nothing else.  If you are discussing the start of a poly family with an established family and they do not mention they are talking to others about forming a “leather family”, walk away.  Chances are you are not seen as an equal within the established relationship; therefore, your input, opinion or emotional well-being is not a priority to them.

Another essential feature to healthy poly families is their respectful use of your information.  Once you give someone information about you, it is no longer yours.  It is now in the hands of someone else.  If you share private information and they it use for their benefit or to fuel their ego, walk away.  Here’s my personal experience with this one.  I shared with a prospective couple who said they were poly that I was talking to online via Fetlife with a few people.  And for those of you on Fetlife, you know about people posting relationship status and with whom.  I mention that the one person’s status hadn’t changed even though they had been talking to another Domme (with whom the couple was friends with) and made a giddy school girl comment about maybe, just maybe.  The next morning the Domme changed her status to “considering” the person I was talking to and the person changed their status to “under consideration” a few days later.  Was “may, just maybe” a true possibility?  Nope.  It was just lighthearted daydreaming.  So I am not upset or resentful about how those cookies crumbled.   However the couple showed me I was not seen as a valued equal.  And I walked away.

There are some righteous non-monogamous poly families who place a No Vacancy sign out front.  But you truly love someone in the family, so why won’t they let you in?  Because what they got going works for them.  Deal with it.  Do not try to weasel your way in or try to wedge yourself between family members.  Such actions are hurtful and indicate you are not ready for a poly relationship.

July 4, 2011

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." --Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, 1999

A bit of solid advice for a newcomer to the lifestyle is, “Go to your local munches.”  I know, I know.  Such a lame dried-out cliché.  However I say it not for the reasons one would imagine.  

“Go to munches and observe.  People watch.  You can tell so much from how kinky folk behave when we are in a vanilla setting and stripped of our paraphernalia.  From your observations draw your own conclusions.  And don’t spend so much time second guessing yourself.”

People make choices about how they treat others, how they treat themselves and how they view the world.  You can glean so much from observing people and fully listening to their stories.  My other snippet of advice is you should go to munches for several months before hooking up with play partners.  Even longer before venturing into relationship connections.

Keep this in mind.  If you want to be a serious member of the community, then act serious.  Be respectful about how you approach others, how you talk about others.  Be aware of how you handle yourself.  Know people are paying attention to your choices.

July 3, 2011

“In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood. “ --Henry David Thoreau

There is an advantage to being a dominant with a few more candles on her birthday cake.  I know to change the subject when a discussion is going nowhere.  I recognize when someone will not hear, consider or acknowledge my position in the matter.  I realize more quickly when things are not as they are presented or packaged.  I know when to be silent.

And I have discovered those who truly respect me will ask, “What's up?”  This is when I know the person is open to hear me, consider me and acknowledge me.  Sometimes the question is asked in the moment.  Sometimes it is asked much, much later.  What is important to me is that the person asked.

July 2, 2011

"A friend is a person with whom I may be honest. Before him, I may think aloud." —Ralph Waldo Emerson

I process externally.  Well in truth, I externalize internal debates.  There are those who listen to my debates and think I am flighty, high strung, unclear, wishy washy, unbalanced, or other unflaterring illustrative words.  And there are those who join in the debates with enthusiasm and openly challenge me.  To the former, fuck you.  To the latter, thank you.

July 1, 2011

“In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.”  -- from “The Teachings of Buddha”

Dominant, Domme, Switch, submissive, Master, Mistress, slave, Top, Bottom, Fetishist, Kinkster, Sadist, Masochist, Sadomasochist, Vanilla, Unsure.  Straight, Hetroflexible, Bisexual, Homoflexible, Gay, Lesbian, Queer, Pansexual, Fluctuating/Evolving, Asexual, Unsure.