“...the large print giveth and the small print taketh away...” --Tom Waits, Step Right Up
News flash. Sometimes I do not heed my own advice. Crazy, huh? One of my snippets of advice to a newcomer to the BDSM lifestyle is enter s-l-o-w-l-y into poly relationships. I know from person experience. And I’ve been on both sides of the equation.
There are so many swingers playing in the lifestyle who mask themselves under the cloak of poly. There are some couples who are hitting rough patches in their own relationship who use the allure of poly to have unmet needs fulfilled. There are some healthy poly families that are not monogamous, plural marriages. And someone in the family may have time to spend the weekend with you; however, you may not be embraced by the others. How does one ferret through the maze? I listen to how and what is being communicated.
The cornerstone to healthy poly families is their desire to communicate honestly. If you start to notice inconsistencies between what they tell you compared to how they treat you, chances are you are dealing with swingers or a unhealthy poly family. The words are, “Of course we would like to do ______ (insert hobby or vanilla interest) with you.” The actions over a few months are all about partying and nothing else. If you are discussing the start of a poly family with an established family and they do not mention they are talking to others about forming a “leather family”, walk away. Chances are you are not seen as an equal within the established relationship; therefore, your input, opinion or emotional well-being is not a priority to them.
Another essential feature to healthy poly families is their respectful use of your information. Once you give someone information about you, it is no longer yours. It is now in the hands of someone else. If you share private information and they it use for their benefit or to fuel their ego, walk away. Here’s my personal experience with this one. I shared with a prospective couple who said they were poly that I was talking to online via Fetlife with a few people. And for those of you on Fetlife, you know about people posting relationship status and with whom. I mention that the one person’s status hadn’t changed even though they had been talking to another Domme (with whom the couple was friends with) and made a giddy school girl comment about maybe, just maybe. The next morning the Domme changed her status to “considering” the person I was talking to and the person changed their status to “under consideration” a few days later. Was “may, just maybe” a true possibility? Nope. It was just lighthearted daydreaming. So I am not upset or resentful about how those cookies crumbled. However the couple showed me I was not seen as a valued equal. And I walked away.
There are some righteous non-monogamous poly families who place a No Vacancy sign out front. But you truly love someone in the family, so why won’t they let you in? Because what they got going works for them. Deal with it. Do not try to weasel your way in or try to wedge yourself between family members. Such actions are hurtful and indicate you are not ready for a poly relationship.
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