Saw a funny thing on the way to lunch...

“God is Pro-Life” –bumper sticker

Really?  I don’t think so.  God was not thinking pro-life when he sent the flood or set towns ablaze.  God sanctioned selective infanticide by an assassin in the middle of the night.

The ironic outcome from years of Sunday school and bible study was I stopped believing in a Judeo-Christian God.  I knew has a young child something was seriously wrong with what I had read and what I had been taught.  I formed my own thoughts. 

An enlightened being doesn’t kill to make their point or to teach a lesson.  An all-powerful being doesn’t respond with brute force to get his way, weak people do.  An all-knowing being doesn’t offer up free will to the newly created ‘kiddies’ and then gets angry when they exercise their free will.  If God were an all-knowing being then he would have known what all mere mortal parents know:  If you don’t want the kids to eat cookies, then don’t have them in the house.

August 23, 2011

“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” -- Nathaniel Branden

School has started.  Daily musings cannot be daily this semester so I’m changing the title of my blog.

August 22, 2011

“Even more foolish is one who clings to words and phrases and thus tries to achieve understanding.  It is like trying to strike the moon with a stick, or scratching a shoe because there is an itchy spot on the foot.  It has nothing to do with the Truth.” –Yamada Mumon Roshi

Many of us in the lifestyle live in two worlds: public and kink.  Rarely the two shall meet.  So how do you know the really cool and funny person you met at a lifestyle event is a really cool and funny person 24/7?  You don’t.

Many moons ago I took a week off from work, rented a cabin in the middle of the woods and started to write my Dictionary.  I took pen to paper and started to write my own definitions to words like companion and success.  I spent seven years creating what was to be the start of a new life and eventually a workshop series.  My goal was to create a nonprofit self-discovery institute on 20 acres in Cooks Forest.  We would hold seminars and workshops for other like minded folk.  Creating a Personal Dictionary and Life Diary were to be the keystones of the institute.

Well, the Dictionary made an impact in my life.  It created a false security in those who were within my sacred circle.  After the loss of a long-term relationship, a fledging poly situation and a business, I no longer have a Dictionary.  I discovered people are not to be trusted with words, mine or theirs.  Today I observe.  I pay attention to behavior, to actions.

August 21, 2011

“A moment of silence is not inherently religious.” –Sandra Day O’Conner

Ain’t got nothing to say today.  So I offer silence.

August 20, 2011

“Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned.” –His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Experience tells me that crazy shit can happen in our lives.  It also tells that many people take advantage of a generous nature in others.  Logic tells me it can’t rain every day.  It also stands to reason that nothing says up on a high forever.  Experience tells me that huge mood swings, the high highs and the low lows, are not nature states of being.  Logic tells me the day-to-day stuff as mundane as it is, presents us raw truth and clarity.

August 19, 2011

“There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.” --Willa Cather

I’ve learned some important lessons from the people in my life over the years.  Here’s an impromptu list.

Debbie taught me ambitions based on sensual pleasures are fleeting.  Tim taught me to keep my phone face turned downward and hidden from view.  Joanne taught me women can be conniving philanders too.  Eric taught me how to guard my wallet and the best places where to hide bottles of booze.  Kathleen taught me not all strangers are a Good Samaritan.  Leslie taught me jealously can be a very destructive force.  Jenny taught me a drunk can throw a frozen turkey with a lot of force.  Mom taught me blood doesn’t always make a family.  Dad taught me brute force is a frustrated man’s weapon.  Mark taught me that sometime it’s not good to hang on for ‘old times sake’.  Mike taught me that emotions unchecked can stunt one’s growth.

August 18, 2011

“Force always attracts men of low morality.” –Albert Einstein

Kinky folk, we are a different breed.  Some are extremely comfortable with giving/asking permission with everyday activities, like when to exercise, eat and use the toilet.  Some are not.  Actions I may consider critical to maintain a healthy M/s relationship someone would consider abusive.  When we accept the different expressions of kink within M/s dynamics, we create a healthy community.  We compromise the health of our community when we allow negative judgment and ignorance to exist unchecked.

August 17, 2011

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” –Winston Churchill

Naïve Optimism; Healthy Cynicism; Simple Reality; Spirited Hope; Truth.

People who cannot generate their own happiness or dreams are not on my Holiday Card List.  Just the idea of being around such dark energy gives me the heebie-jeebies.  “Why?” you ask.  Simple.  They expect you to divert your time, energy and resources to them so they can accomplish what’s on their agenda.  Your happiness and dreams are not relevant.  You are not relevant.  Well, except for the time, energy and resources you can provide.  Therefore, you as a person are not ‘seen’ or respected.  You are ‘seen’ only as a means to their end.

How do you know you are in a relationship with a energy-leech?  Tell them you need to spend some time working towards your own dreams.  Tell them you are going to start spending you energy elsewhere.  Tell them you can’t pay their bills anymore.  Watch their reaction.  If they throw up a big fuss or lay a huge guilt trip your way, get rid of the fuckers.

August 16, 2011

“A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.” –Doug Larson

I think too much.  I know.  And my thinking gets me into all kinds of trouble!  For instance, I am beginning to think that striving for a clear conscience is psychobabble bullshit.  Our conscience is the inner voice acting as a guide to choose right conduct over wrong conduct.  Fine.  What if someone insists their actions are righteous?  A rationale explanation is created ‘cause it’s their story and they’re sticking to it.  Anyone who has been in a relationship with an alcoholic or philander knows what I’m talking about.  So I started to think maybe having a clear social conscience makes for better behaving human beings. 

But then I started to think about all the shit people have done in the name of the social good or social values.  Nhem En’s rationale was he was just a photographer.  He didn’t do anything.  It was the guards and other staff at S-21 who committed the atrocities.  En only took the pictures.  And if it wasn’t him, En said it would have been someone else.  I am beginning to think that striving for a social conscience is psychobabble chicken shit.

For all this thinking I’m left with shit.  What’s the alternative?  Stop thinking.  Or as the Eightfold Path guides us: Stop wasting mental capacity on wasteful thoughts.  Fuck.  That was easy!  (Hey, where’s a Buddha Easy Button when you need one!)

August 15, 2011

“Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind.” –Lionel Hampton

My mother gave me up for adoption when I was born.  She took me from my adoptive parents when I was 6 months old.  I never have gotten a clear answer from her or any other family member as to why.  She always acted as if she never wanted me.  She was a reluctant caregiver who was apathetic for all the years I can remember living under her roof.  This is the most cohesive version of events I have gathered from a mixture of explanations.

Readers Digest:  Mom went out with a guy a few times.  Five months later, she tells Grandma she’s pregnant.  Grandma takes Mom over to his house to tell his family.  Family says he cannot marry Mom because he’s marrying someone who is also pregnant.  Grandma sends Mom to a house for wayward girls.  (Keep in mind I was born in the early 60s.) Doctor says Mom’s too far along to have abortion.  So Mom stays at the house until I’m born.  I’m taken to my adoptive family.  At this point Mom has signed two sets of documents for the adoption process.  After six months Mom needs to sign the third, and final, set of documents to complete the adoption.  She won’t sign.  Court hands me back to Mom.

I can give you a laundry list of events in my life that injured/strengthened me and brought me to this place.  However, it is not where I focus most of my energy these days.  I know in my heart that I would be a shattered soul if it were not for the unconditional love I received in the first six months of my life.  I have gratitude in my heart for people I do not remember.  I tried finding them several years back; however, states are not used to requests like mine:  I lived with a family for 6 months before the Court gave me back to my biological mother.  Can you help me find my real parents?

August 14, 2011

“Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” -- Dr. Viktor Frankl

Tolerance is the ability to accept different views expressed by others.  It is an attribute I greatly value in others.  In fact is one of the top ‘must haves’ for people I allow into my sacred circle.  I listen for someone to say, “Hey, it’s good you think this; however, I think that.”  Or to say, “I think this and you think that.  Hey, there’s lots of ways to approach the subject.”  Even such a simple thing like how best to reverse out of a parking space.

August 13, 2011

“Truth only reveals itself when one gives up all preconceived ideas.” --Gido Shoseki

I spent many years being unhappy and angry.  I spent years leaving the responsibility of honesty and truth to be revealed by others.  I invested raw emotion in a few precious relationships.  In turn I expected these special people to be accurate with what they wanted and what they needed.  It never created the result I was longing for.

It has only been these past few years I have come to realize I was basing my relationships upon others to be honest with me about their real intents and motives.  I know, I know.  Dumb.  Totally an epic fail.  Today I’m taking responsibility for the truth in my life.  I hear the words, but I believe the actions.  And I find joy in people who are consistent with their words and actions.

I know this may seem like a simple lesson one learns early in life; however, I was raised in a family where secrets and inconsistency are the norm.  Today finding joy in life is my normal.

August 12, 2011

“Not being able to govern events, I govern myself.” –Michel de Montaigne

“This didn’t go right!”  “That is all wrong!”  “Let me tell you what the problem is with what’s-her-name.”  “He is so clueless; that’s why nobody likes to be around him.”

I have found the more a person tries to control outside forces, the unhappier they are with their lives.  It shows in their words and their intent with those words.  And I like to have too much fun in my life to be dragged down by Dottie Depression and Alan Asshole.  Being around chronically unhappy people is such a waste of my white energy.  Downers and jerk-wads are prone to be life-draining vampires, feeding off of the positive in the world.  They don’t seem to know how to create their own, so they leech it from others.  No thanks!  I’d rather donate my share to the American Red Cross.

I have participated in meaningful relationships based upon the back-and-forth passing of negative energy flow.  (Hey, I said meaningful; I didn’t say healthy.)  Been there and done that.  Don’t want that no more.   ‘Cause I can’t get no satisfaction.  Though I tried and I tried and I tried, and I tried.  Unhappy doesn't do it for me.  Joy does. 

You gotta wanna be there.  Just like I gotta wanna be there.  I’m not interested in beating down a sentient being into submission or coaxing in them into compliance.  I get my ‘top cookies’ (Thanks b_playful for letting me steal your line!) when someone asks for more and really, really means it.  This is why I cannot consider a bratty submissive or slave.   I expect the other person on the business-end of my cane to offer their ass up to me willingly.  No pretense, no whining.  Okay, okay, crying is allowed.  Asking for additional strokes is good.  Coming back for more is sweet.  Oh so sweet, like oatmeal raisin cookies! 

August 11, 2011

“If you are not happy here and now, you never will be.” –Taisen Deshimaru

 If you’ve been around me for any length of time, you’ll hear me occasionally say, “I am blessed.”  I do my best to stay in this space and open my mind to the knowledge that I am here, now.  When I am aware of negative emotional torrents are swirling about, I move my mind to the positives in the moment.  I open myself up to the truth: for all that has been and all that is, I am blessed.  It is from this place I take refuge.  I take refuge in the Buddha. I take refuge in the Dharma.  I take refuge in the Sangha.

August 10, 2011

 “Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.” –Salvador Dali

Well I came damn close at The Floating World a few weekends ago.  I bunked with excellent roomies.  I met wonderful people.  I attended great workshops.  Even though a couple ‘not so pleasant’ things happened, it was still as perfect as it could get. 

I have bunked with all the Negative Neds and have attended workshops with more than a few Unconstructive Ursulas.  I know about how the wrong mix of people can turn a great event into a below par gathering.  I believe it had to do with our positive attitudes.

THANK YOU to a few of the positive people who helped make TFW a ‘as close to perfection’ wonderful 5 days:  LonePariah8, b_playful, RavenBound, Bluerisk, LadyTasha, DuhGuy, MissBella, Sparkdog, SirTucket, InspiredWarrior, downlow, electricdave.  Thanx and vielen Dank!

August 9, 2011

“Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.” –Rene Descartes

[Let me start by thanking the six steady readers of this blog.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!]

I sent a post to an event’s thread saying I was interested in find a roommate who already had a room.  I made what I thought was a witty and brilliant comment: quiet, neat, doesn’t snore and my shots were up to date.  I was chatting with someone a bit later.  They commented that perhaps I inadvertently offended  prospective roomies and perhaps my comment was a tad to dry for most tastes.

I thought about it, re-read my post, and realized their comment had merit.  If I miss out on half-priced accommodations, then so be it.  The post is out there.  I do not regret my choice of words; they speak to who I am.  However, who I am may be a bit lighter in the wallet because if no one replies, then I’ll have to secure accommodations for the full price.  Overall this is such a minuscule problem compared to other problems one has to deal with in life.

August 8, 2011

“Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.” –Robert Frost

A lovely lady and I were dancing one night.  I was having a great time.  She leans towards me and says loudly, “We only have --.”  I lean closer to her and say, “Excuse me?” and indicate I did not hear her.  She repeats herself, this time louder.  “We only have BDSM sex.”  I freeze for a few seconds, process what she just said, shrug, go back to dancing and continue having a great time.

The statement took me aback.  What does BDSM sex mean to her?  Does her Master realize what she told me?  How does this relate to the poly talks we’ve been having?  I figure, when the time comes they’ll ask me if I have questions about such an odd comment.  So time goes by.  I’ve been to their place before.  At that time, I was ready to hop into the sack.  Yet she said, “No.  It’s not the right time.”  He said he always defers to her decision.  The next time I go to their place I’m totally into the hockey game and stay planted on the couch.

It was the last time I went over to their place.  It really was the last time we all three sat down and talked.  And they never did explain what that comment had to do with poly.  My intuition told me it is what she says to other dominates to start a conversation about having me change my FetLife profile to ‘Switch’, add a D/s relationship tag that I am subordinate to them and then make available to them any slave, submissive or play partner I may have or consider.  There was no overt announcement or suggestion made to me.  I was strictly my intuition talking to me as I sat and meditated over that very simple statement: “We only have BDSM sex.”

And if I were to tell you (as Paul Harvey would say) ‘The Rest of the Story’, I could fill another two blog entries!  However what I want to say with this entry is this: Sometimes when people say nonsense things, it really is nonsense.

August 7, 2011

“Do not follow the ideas of others, but learn to listen to the voice within yourself. Your body and mind will become clear and you will realize the unity of all things.” –Dogen Zenji

Our actions affect others, regardless of how much we delude ourselves into thinking otherwise.  When we are young it is easy to stay in invested in the delusions.  Like when I was a wild 19 year old and borrowed Laurie’s car to go on a date.  And when my date, Debbie, invited me back to her place, I had a choice:  wild night with a hot chick or getting the car back to Laurie so she could go to work later that morning.  I remember that night with mixed emotions.

Sex with Deb was H-H-H-O-T!  I’m still smiling about it almost 30 years later.  However when I got back home, Laurie was waiting for me.  The look on her face and the pain in her voice about all the trouble she was in due to calling off work at the last minute was the ice water that cooled the ‘next day’ warm afterglow.  Knowing I caused hurt and pain for a selfish reason was a wakeup call that has shaped me.

Terrifying to know there are people who continue to hurt others even after being witness to the anguish they’ve caused.  Pretty fucked up if you ask me.  One would hope that people would develop compassion and realize we are all connected.  Maybe that’s what drives people to continue hurting others.  They don’t have the balls to leave others out of their self-hate.    What a concept: nonconsensual surrogate suffering.

August 6, 2011

“Wow, look at the grass stains on my skin. I say, if you knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.”  --Calvin and Hobbes

I’m flirty.  I like to have fun.  I dance when I hear good music and I don’t care where I am or who’s around.  I can talk to strangers as if we were BFFs.  On the flipside, I can sit in a room full of people and barely utter a peep.  I can sit by myself off in a corner and block out the world.  I can be outgoing one moment and reserved the next.  Classic Libra.  Typical me.  Either way, life is not waiting for me nor am I waiting for it.

August 5, 2011

“We were always dreaming of how it was going to be.”  –George Lucas

During my morning walk today a random thought passed through:  What would I do if I ever won the lottery?  Well, here’s my list.

Donate to the Zen Center, Deep Spring Temple.  Front load educational savings plans for some special people in my life.  Donate funds to a friend so she can start her non-profit educational group and art studio.  Create or add to an existing scholarship project for TG/TS students.  Start a Zen Center here in town.  Donate to the Disabled American Veterans organization.  Donate to Save the Children.  Create a foundation that buys small, local lots or pieces of land so families can grow their own fresh foods.  Buy a Motto Guzzi.

August 4, 2011

“Life is as dear to the mute creature as it is to a man. Just as one wants happiness and fears pain, just as one wants to live and not to die, so do other creatures.” –His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I do not like people who leave a dog outside tied to a stake, outside and alone.  I will not give two shakes for a person who calls a dog to ‘come’ and then beats it.   I will never understand a person who choices to let their dog soil themselves in their kennel because they choose to stay at a party ‘just a few hours longer cuz I’m having so much fun”.

August 3, 2011

“Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one.”  --Chinese Proverb

Hang around a Buddhist or two and you’ll hear a few ‘different’ terms:  The Five Precepts, The Three Jewels, The Four Noble Truths and The Noble Eightfold Path.  On the Middle Path  one walks with the Right Something.  And there are eight of them.  One of the ‘Rights’ is the Right Action or the Right Conduct.  One acts not because they are legally obligated, but because they are ethically bound.

 

Please keep a lookout for kinksters who prey upon the unsuspecting.  Keep you eyes open for people whose actions contradict what they say.  Understand that owning a few thousand dollars worth of toys is no guarantee a person is a first-class kinkster.  It only means she knows how to shop.  Does he claim to be subbie material looking for a Mistress, yet he consistently posts comments that are akin to cat calls on the profiles of a pretty young things?  Does she usually have a snide comment here and there about people she calls friends?  Do they say they are a poly-oriented couple, yet they never seem to stay in long-term poly relationships?  Does he say he’s all about the Master/slave dynamic; however all he talks about is fucking?

 

Please keep a lookout for kinsters who seize upon opportunity to enhance the community.  Keep your eyes open for people whose actions support what they say.  Understand that when she pulls out her toy box and teachings you how to use the toys correctly is an invaluable gift.  And it demonstrates she is a first-class kinkster.  Does his FetLife profile say he’s looking for a Mistress and he consistently posts respectful comments in group discussions?  Does she support everyone’s right to personal kinky expression?  Does she talk about all aspects of the community without belittling anyone?  Do they talk about the differences of open relationships, poly relationships and swinging, to include where they fall on the spectrum?  Does he talk about seeking a slave while keeping his focus on events and groups dedicated to power exchange in relationships?

 

There is no law that keeps someone from posting cat call-ish comments on FetLife.  And there is no law that keeps someone from enticing you with the sensual side of kink and dumping your ass once you displease them.  There is no law against a person from misusing the sexually charged nature of our kinky community to jack off on your emotions.  Or to mislead you about what they really want just so they can add another notch in their spanking belt.  It is up to you to be safe with your behavior, to be sane with the choices you make regarding partners, and to be consensual with your actions towards others.

August 2, 2011

“Knowledge is consequential. Knowledge currency is social currency on steroids. It’s important, it’s powerful, it’s essential. Thus it is value currency.” –Tim Sanders

Local kinksters are a small part of any community, let alone a small town.  Active local kinksters who will attend munches and events represent an even smaller number.  Imagine being a single person interested in establishing traditional Master/slave relationships.  You are one of 10 people at a munch and all but one are paired up.  And the one is more of a swinger who has no interest in TPE.  Typical story for most of us who live in small towns with small munches.

Things can get complicated when you have a finite group competing over scarce resources.  It’s Macroeconomics 101 outside the classroom!  You witness first hand, up-and-close all those inane theories as they come to life with actual people making real decisions.   However, the currency isn’t legal tender.  The currency of choice is one’s social capital.

It’s interesting to watch people as they spend their currency.  I followed a local group’s talk about The Next Generation (TNG – a subgroup within the community who admits only 18-35 year olds & their partners to events).  Comments were made about why TNG exists.  The most common one was:  Young people who are curious about kinky stuff are more comfortable at meetings with other young people.  This is ‘politically-correctese’ for the younger crowd wants to get together without a bunch of old farts circling like vultures.

The old farts usually represent the established Old Guard in the local community.  They’ve been around the scene.  They’ve got all the pretty toys.  Usually they’ve got private play space.  And they have the stories about years of play.  They’ve got social capital.  But do they have the morality to back it up?  Some do.  Some do not.  Hence why having TNG events is critical for a strong community.    A case for TNG events is when a single woman in her mid 20s goes to a munch and the after party, ends up having one of the Old Guard shove a hand down her pants without consent while on the dance floor.  Not cool.  Currency balance is in the negative for those who act like vultures upon the new people on the scene.  Those inane theories are not always about the good guys winning or everyoen getting a happy ending.

August 1, 2011

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.” –Maya Angelou

Kyoki told me most people ‘find Buddhism’ once they’ve hit rock bottom.  And most people stay with the Center or in active practice for about three to five years.  She said nothing more about the subject.  I can understand how one believes after a few years they no longer need to sit and then choose to ‘lose the training wheels’.

In the beginning one is learning about themself.  It is natural to develop positive life patterns as a response to self-reflection.  New practices equate to new choices and experiences.  One goes along for a while; everything is hunky-dory.  Then the boredom of just sitting sets in.  And one stops sitting.  Stops practicing.  Because they’ve done enough work to break the old, unhealthy patterns.  The question is:  After stopping the practice, what is the recidivism rate for going back to rock bottom?  And how many will not return to Buddhism because it ‘failed’ them?

For me the practice of being still is not about developing a method to deal with feelings of hopelessness.  It is about creating an active practice to keep me from hitting rock bottom again.  It is about me coming to peace with the kinkster in me.  It is about me keeping the twinkle in my eye, a wiggle in my walk and a giggle in my talk.  Oh Baby, that’s what I like!

July 31, 2011

"To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.” -- Joseph Chilton Pearce

I was raised by a military stepfather and a selfish, jealous mother.  There was little room for error in our household, at least for me and my brother.    The folks could make the mistakes; little brother and I could not.  This glaring double standard, draped around parental apathy, left me struggling for many, many years.  Being wrong in our household meant ridicule, public shaming and corporal punishment.  And if I realized before they did that I had made a mistake, then holy shit!   Panic and fear would cut into my body and mind, my existence.  I would live with fear praying not to be found out.

Living with a perpetual fog of fear hanging over my head stunted me.  I spent years not moving, acting like a deer stuck in the headlights.  And when I did do some pretty bold and courageous stuff with my life, success was often thwarted by my fear-based, child-like reactions.  If adversity presented itself or if I realized I had erred, then I would stay silent waiting for bad shit to happen to me.  I would turn into a scared child and hide in the corners to escape shame, ridicule or a beating.  My parents raised a fear-based reactionary who ended up being used for target practice by some very deceitful people.  People who prey upon the wounded.

I made a conscientious choice a little more than a year ago to stop being afraid of making mistakes.  I mean, what was the worst that could happen?  Thousands of dollars of my savings and many valuables could be stolen by an alcoholic boyfriend.  My office staff could conspire with the county administration office to take my business by rerouting the grant funds and financially ruining me.  I could spend seven years in a relationship in which I am being systematically cheated on.  I mean, what really can happen that is worse than what had already happened?

July 30, 2011

“Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cogs in a wheel, we have to act alone.” –Deborah Tannen

There is a huge industry built around effective communication with others.  However to be effective at communicating with others, you have to be solid in self-communication.  I know, I know.  Sounds weird to say it that way.  Through personal experience and observation, I have noticed a reoccurring theme in how unhappy people communicate.  What I hear are indirect messages.  A steady barrage of subtly that keeps the active listener in a mode of erratic flux.  I know I communicate in unhealthy ways when I’m unhappy.

I believe it is because the other person’s self-communication is all about very unhealthy messages.  Their self-speak steeps itself in negative thought.  When the person communicates with you, it comes from a place of hurt and self-loathing.  Then you want to decode their message with your handy, dandy decoder ring.  If your decoder ring is all about the unhappy, then there is no effort to decode the message.  If you are not coming from the same place of hurt or negativity, then you will stay in a state of commotion trying to translate a fucked up message.  That is if you choose to stay connected to this person.  I cannot.

My self-communication is transmitting these messages:  ‘This is too emotionally draining.  Walk away.”  “They are spreading a stain of self doubt into my being.”  “Man, like this is totally driving me down.  I’ve lost my giggle and laugh!”  When I start self-communicating these types of messages, then I know I am sending myself messages to save my sanity.

July 29, 2011

"As any old Taoist walking out of the woods can tell you, simple-minded does not necessarily mean stupid." –Benjamin Hoff

When people discuss the beginner’s mind they also talk about the practice of sitting.  And being.

I was recently asked at a kinky event, “So, what do you do?”  My immediate response was, “I be.”  It was the first thought that came to me.  The gentleman smiles at me and says, “Of course, but what do you do here?”  I list out several of the ‘services’ I am willing to perform as a Top.  This is the start of a traditional negotiation.

This past weekend I had a small bit of pre-arranged scheduling for scenes.  However, that was the exception.  I did my best to stay in a simple, fun, unplanned state-of-mind.  I succeeded!

July 28, 2011

“It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles. --Niccolò Machiavelli”

I have been offline for several days while attending TFW 2011 with the greatest friends; I am blessed.

While at the event, I met a whole host of wonderful people.  I found a chew toy behind me at one of Master Aslan’s classes.  A delicate butterfly gracefully flitted about.  I got to manhandle a fellow roper.  A brave warrior shared excellent gender-breaking inspirational stories.  A beautiful Lady from Albany radiated a powerful energy that was intoxicating.

It was a privilege to meet people who displayed great presence, whether Master, slave, Top or Bottom.