“Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cogs in a wheel, we have to act alone.” –Deborah Tannen
There is a huge industry built around effective communication with others. However to be effective at communicating with others, you have to be solid in self-communication. I know, I know. Sounds weird to say it that way. Through personal experience and observation, I have noticed a reoccurring theme in how unhappy people communicate. What I hear are indirect messages. A steady barrage of subtly that keeps the active listener in a mode of erratic flux. I know I communicate in unhealthy ways when I’m unhappy.
I believe it is because the other person’s self-communication is all about very unhealthy messages. Their self-speak steeps itself in negative thought. When the person communicates with you, it comes from a place of hurt and self-loathing. Then you want to decode their message with your handy, dandy decoder ring. If your decoder ring is all about the unhappy, then there is no effort to decode the message. If you are not coming from the same place of hurt or negativity, then you will stay in a state of commotion trying to translate a fucked up message. That is if you choose to stay connected to this person. I cannot.
My self-communication is transmitting these messages: ‘This is too emotionally draining. Walk away.” “They are spreading a stain of self doubt into my being.” “Man, like this is totally driving me down. I’ve lost my giggle and laugh!” When I start self-communicating these types of messages, then I know I am sending myself messages to save my sanity.
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