Hi! My name is...

“Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.”  --Rita Mae Brown

I have a Crossdressing.com profile.  I am on Twitter.  I have a Facebook page; though, I think I need to delete it.  I have a FetLife profile that is pretty barebones.  To the Fet World I show my links to this blog and my Rockin’ Robin tweets, tweets.  My reason for being such an information minimalist isn’t that I’m too lazy, too uppity, or too indifferent  to complete the profile in a traditional manner.  It is because I want you to get to know me through meeting me.  I am active on FetLife in order to know about events, to RSVP for the events I can get to, and to use their e-mail to keep in touch with friends.  That’s it.  I’m not advertising today for anyone or anything.  I’m going to munches, events, and workshops.  I meet people while I’m out and about doing devious and dubious shit.

Gone are the days of putting myself out there on a site, baring my soul and using electronic connections to make my personal connections.  The last two times I did this I got seriously singed.  If you take a whiff in my direction you may still pick up the lingering odor of burnt soul.  And I ain’t talking about fish sticks.

I cannot harp on this point enough.  Get off the computer every so often.  Go to a munch.  Go to an event.  Talk to real live-in-the-flesh people.  Assess how they carry themselves.  Do they look you in the eye when you are talking to them?  Do they listen to your questions?  What kinds of replies do you get?  Do they ask you about yourself?  Do they share equally about themselves?

There are several attributes and traits that are real turnoffs for me.  Like I don’t mind being cut off in conversations as long as the other person is completing my sentences, thoughts or is adding to the conversation.  However the act of cutting me off is annoying when someone does it to draw attention towards themselves.  Of course the consistent use of ‘coulda’, shoulda’ and oughta’ makes me want to run for the hills.  You can catch a little bit of this through emails or from a profile; however, most control freaks have learned to hide this aspect of themselves when writing.

So from my previous experiences exercising bad judgment I have learned something about myself.  I like to meet people.  I enjoy hearing their stories and sharing mine.  I like to laugh, smile and be nerdy-silly.  I enjoy people who have a positive outlook and are willing to laugh along side of me.  And who don’t mind me quoting a movie line or doing awful impersonations .  Because around me you never know…  Is it safe? … Is it safe?

High Fidelity

“Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose” -- Helen Keller

Remember the old recording tape commercials?  "Is it live, or is it Memorex?"  It was back in the day when hi fi was the quest.  High Fidelity.  Most people when they hear ‘fidelity’ think of someone or something being pure, loyal, faithful.  If I were to make the request for fidelity, you probably would think I’m requesting sexual and emotional exclusivity.  Well you’re wrong.  When I hear the word ‘fidelity’ I think of accuracy, proper representation, in-your-face truth.

If you are all about the kink and only want it in the bedroom, there is no shame in admitting it.  This is critical information when negotiating for a play partner.  Are you a dominant type wanting to do the nasty with another dominant type?  Cool beans.  If you are into cross dressing, yet play it straight in all other aspects of your life, then strut in them heels!  There are gg’s (genetic girls) who think you’re sexy.  Are you someone who only wants to bind people up in rope so you can take some wicked snapshots?  Excellente, my friend.

Psst…psst… stop your multitasking, your wondering thoughts.  Pay attention.  Focus.

Fidelity works for me because it means you’ve passed the scrutiny wand over your life, your dreams, your deep recesses, your garbage.  I find fidelity sexy.  There’s something magnetic about a person who says, “This is who I am.  This is what I’m about.” AND THEY MEAN IT!

As we “Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November” at the The Geeky Kink Event, hit me up for a worthy purpose.  We are going to find out if it’s live or if it’s Memorex.

A Eureka Moment

“Listening to people keeps them entertained.” –Mason Cooley

I’m a fairly good listener.  That is if you believe listening is about taking in what someone is telling you and filing it away in your memory banks.  I’m an awful listener if you believe listening is about being able to decode accurately what is being said.

I’m not the brightest star in the universe when it comes to assessing when people are being candid with their words or when they are misleading with their words.  I know why this is: most deceitful people truly believe their own bullshit.  It is their sincerity in the moment that trips me up.

Lately when I ‘sit’ (new to my blog? Translation: zazen) my thoughts have been migrating towards how to become a more open listener, how to accurately process what I am listening to.  I had a moment today.  Eureka!

Detach.  Detach from how I expect the message to be decoded.  I, as the receiver, am responsible for how the message gets into my data banks.  I have mostly started with the premise people don’t want to be caught in blatant lies; therefore, I consider detailed information as primarily valid.  This is my attachment.  Believing I can ascertain fiction from truth.  I cannot.  With this realization, the feeling of naked vulnerability set in.

Personal Standards

“Acceptance of prevailing standards often means we have no standards of our own.”  --Jean Toomer

I had a kick ass time at The Floating World this year.  It wasn’t because of the actual event itself.  It was because when I expressed an opinion or shared a personal belief, people did not counter with the words ‘you oughta’, ‘you coulda’  or ‘ you shoulda’.  At TFW2011 I was heard without people trying to convince me to change myself to fit their idea of a ____.  (Fill in blank with any word: Domme, woman, kinkster, old fart, short shit, sexy lady, attendee, chunk punk, femme.  Really, any word at all.)

We can get caught up in unconstructive patterns that lend themselves to messy relationships.  I used to invest a lot, and I mean *a lot*, of time with heated debates.  I would be casually chatting with someone, we’d get onto a topic, and then I’d express an opinion or a different perspective.  When I would receive a criticism or a ‘that’s just plain wrong’ response, I would try another way to explain myself.  I was coming from a place that they just weren’t getting what I was saying.  Since I was totally committed to being understood, I would keep trying to explain myself.  I now realize I don’t need to be understood by everyone.  I don’t need to be listened to.  I don’t need to sway converts to my standards.  I don’t need feedback that signifies my opinions are valued.  I just want to be heard.

I was a bit dense in my younger years.  I have this callus right here on the right side of my forehead (pointing to it now).  Too many episodes of banging my head against a wall.  Today I am not as dense.  And I don’t like the idea I can be any type of dense.  Alas, perfection evades me.

Today when I hear ‘you shoulda done this’ or ‘you oughta done that’, I’m getting better at recognizing that the person I’m talking to doesn’t like me for who I am.  And they want me to behave differently so I can exist in their carefully designed world.  Hell, they *need* me to behave in a certain way so I don’t upset their apple cart of reality.  My critical error of my youth was to keep insisting that if I were to ‘should’ and ‘ought’, then what I said would not affect my position.

It has taken me years to realize nothing I say to the other person will matter.  And if I enter into any type of long-term, life-connecting relationship with a person who frequently uses ought, could or should when communicating with me, I will either have to change my  behavior just to survive the relationship OR I will drive myself to self-induced psychotic depression.  Either I play-act while keeping grounded in a reality I keep to myself OR I adopt the other person’s idea of reality and lose myself, my own standards.

I tell someone I didn’t bring a strap-on with me to the play space.  I tell them I left it behind.  If I hear, “Well what did you bring?  Whatcha got in that satchel?”, then I know I’m talking with a person who likes me, the real me.  And I want to have this kind of person in my life.  If I hear, “Josh, golly gee Sergeant.  You should never leave that behind.  Why come if you aren’t going to bring your strap on?”, then I know I’m talking with a person who probably will always find something disappointing or lacking about me.  And I don’t want that.

My Connections

There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are."  --Frederick L. Collins

I attend fetish events to go to workshops, have opportunity to meet really great people and to soak in the energy of being in “play-space”.  No fetish attire.  I wear simple black t-shirts, denims and black Army boots.  No hooking up.  If I want a relationship with you (even a strictly sexual one), you will give me time after the event.  I view the lifestyle as a path to expand my sense of sense.  It is not about getting some nookie.  It may have been how I entered the lifestyle; however, I am not that 20 something nymphet going to swinger parties and falling into the rabbit hole by way of an errant invitation. 

Today I am connecting with people who come into the room and say, “Ah, there you are!”  And it won’t matter we haven’t seen each other for a year or so.  The joy to reconnect will fuse time into a trivial concern.  What I’m wearing won’t matter.  Nor will their happiness to see me be contingent upon the possibility of me to drop my drawers.

I believe part of the reason so many people have post event ‘drop’ is because they attend thinking that this is *it* until the next event.  When I leave an event, I am excited.  I know that over the next few months I’m going to connect with some really great people.  (Doing my happy dance right now!)

Getting Back On Track

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” --Joseph Campbell

When I was starting out my adult life I had opportunities that would have taken me down roads of professional success.  However what I choose was laid back opportunities so I could take time off to travel.  Meeting people, seeing places, having experiences, learning first hand through action – these are what I craved.  (And I still do.)  Then shit happened.  I started to make decisions not based upon what sang to my soul, but decisions to feed my ego.  I have to live with the consequences of actions I took all those years ago. 

I made one decision.  And many more followed.  I made them in order to cling to a sense of belonging with people who said they loved me.  I felt important and special.  However as time went on I began to realize I was unhappy with the compromises I made.  I spent to the past twenty years making one concession after another.  I’ve made plans with specific outcomes in mind.  Sometimes they were about pride and stubbornness.  Sometimes they sprung from foolishness and self-gratifying materialism.

I have spent the past year or so grieving for the death of these plans I made many years ago.  I meditate upon the knowledge that dreams of an idealistic 20 and 30 something are not the core of my identity, my sense of purpose.  As I am a stone’s throw from my 50s, I have started to unravel that which I tangled myself up into.  I am choosing to return to a laid back a way of being.  It may not add to my pension fund, several residences or a new car every three years, however I see what life has waiting for me.

Let's Make a Deal!

"The petty man is eager to make boasts, yet desires that others should believe in him. He enthusiastically engages in deception, yet wants others to have affection for him. He conducts himself like an animal, yet wants others to think well of him." –Xun Zi

I want to think people are inherently good.  I get happy thoughts when I think everyone is willing to do a good deed and has compassion in their heart.  I want to believe good triumphs over evil.  Sadness drapes over me when I think about all the Lord-of-the-Flies evil shit that happens in life.  Some of it isn’t out right evil.  Some of it is just avoidable pathetic crap.

My father had a seizure several years back.  My folks were living in Arizona at the time.  Dad had to surrender his license to the State once the hospital informed the DMV.  Because he had lost consciousness and control of his body, he has to surrender his license for several months.  So when someone goes on and on and on about all the seizures they have, describing how they lose consciousness and walk into walls while having a seizure, well needless to say I start asking questions.  When did you last see your doctor? Does your doctor know about these episodes?  When I hear the replies of “Recently” and “Yes”, I conclude either of two possibilities.  One is that the hospital or doctor is violating the requirement they report all episodes of seizures that involve a person losing consciousness, the ability for a person to control their muscles, and there’s a third criteria, however I forgot what it is.  Two, they person is lying.  When someone says it happened once, I’m going with what’s behind Door# 1.  When a person states this is an ongoing, repeating occurrence that medical professionals are aware of, I’m definitely choosing what’s behind Door#2.

Fear

“I never lie because I don't fear anyone.  You only lie when you're afraid.” --John Gotti

Pretty grand statement to make; him not lying and all.  Don’t know if he’s being honest, however, I know fear is a powerful motivator.  I know when I’ve acted out of fear, bad juju followed.  This is why I am drawn to Buddhism as a means to shed personal dissatisfaction from my being.  And it is why I write this blog.  To let you know you are not the only one.

Isolation occurs when we live with our fears too long.  We isolate ourselves or people push us away.

Self-imposed isolation occurs when you believe you cannot talk to anyone about “it”; therefore, you talk to no one.  It can be abuse, addiction, regret, shame, neglect, or a whole host of other circumstances.  The common denominator is you think you are the only one dealing with “it”.  Social isolation occurs when we’ve lied to others with such frequency people don’t want to be around us.  It is when people don’t want to be around the bullshit.

I hope my blog assures you that you are not alone.  Our experiences may be different, but our fears are the same.  Realize everyone has been on both sides of the spectrum.  Sitting and being quiet (meditating) has forced a sense of self-honesty that makes me, at times, very uncomfortable.

I understand how self-help groups can be beneficial to those of us who feel isolated because we can’t talk about “it”.  What Al-anon did for me was to realize I was not the only person who was taken to the cleaners by a person with a substance addiction.  What the group also showed me was this:  I was the only non-family member (parent, spouse, child) who attended.  I wasn’t married or related to Eric.  So as I sat with myself and meditated I asked, “Do you want to stay in fear?  Have you ever known him when he wasn’t an addict?  What’s makes you so special?  Do you really think he would get help while in a LTR with you? Can you admit you were just an easy mark, a sucker?  Can you forgive yourself?”

From AZ to BZ

“You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer 'yes' without having asked any clear question.” –Albert Camus

Oh, how true this is.

I divide my life into two phases:  before Zen (BZ) and after Zen (AZ).  During the BZ part of my life, I gravitated towards people who used charm as their social survival tool.  I didn’t see it for what it was.   I thought I had simply met someone who was as spontaneous as I was.  After some deep reflection and lots of sitting a few feet from the wall, I began to understand the difference.  They sell the figurative form as a literal structure.  Several in my life were selling it and I spent about 20 years buying it.  Sad to admit it but it’s true.

The last charmer in my life got me to buy that he needed $20 to attend an AA meeting because it was a closed meeting.  He explained to me ‘closed’ meant he had to pay in advanced for the whole month.  And each meeting was $5.  A year later I went to Al-anon meetings for a few months.  It was about the third meeting someone mentioned which meetings in town were ‘open’ and which were ‘closed’.  It had nothing to do with paying in advance and ALL meetings were donation-based.  I proceeded to tell the group about how he obviously deceived me.  They dubbed my story as the best con anyone had heard in a while.

I’m starting to become comfortable with believing he may be a pathological liar.  I don’t like thinking I’ve invited evil people into my life and the lives of my family.  However this one con was just a small drop in the bucket of cons I later discovered.  He used to sneak out of the house after I fell asleep to go drinking.  And he would take my car instead of his to go out.  (That scratch on the car I said was new, he claimed was not.)  That mega-computer he built and spent thousands of dollars for custom components was nothing but a fancy shell with cheap, dated technology.  He told me his manager cut his hours at work and he would file for unemployment.  Supposedly his claim was denied and he filed an appeal.  And supposedly he went to a hearing.  I even received an elaborate string of texts telling me of everything talked about with the referee.  Later I found out he was fired for missing work and did not qualify for unemployment.  (Though I was paying his bills with the understanding the payment for back benefits would be deposited any day now.) 

These are just a few of the instances when I bought his fiction later to find out he was lying.  I can guess he never went to the hospital to be with his mother.  I bet dimes to doughnuts that his cousin wasn’t severely beaten outside a bar.  (I questioned why the incident wasn’t in the news.  He said thy family wouldn’t let the paper print it.)  I’m cynical about his tales of abuse.  I’m sure I’ll never know fully the extent of his deceit, nor will I entirely comprehend the damage I allowed to occur by buying his bullshit. 

Sometimes the worst cons we experience are self-imposed.  We do it to ourselves.  So I sit and stare at a wall.  And I celebrate being in the AZ part of my life.  Time to shed my own illusions.

Go-betweens

“The most dangerous untruths are truths moderately distorted.” –Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

I am leery around ‘go-betweens’.  I call them ‘tweeners.  There are two types.  Those who believe it is their duty as a friend, leader, parental figure, or whatever rocks their world to take your information, your news, your stories and share it with whomever.   The caveat is the intention of the’ tweener is to advance their standing in the group; it is never for your benefit.  The second type is those who believe they have a right to act on what is told to them by the other type of ‘tweener.  I know, I know.  Sounds a bit like Who’s on first, What’s on second and I Don’t Know is on third.

Please keep in mind I am strictly dealing with the actions of those who act excessively as go-betweens without your best interests at heart.  I’m not talking about the natural sharing which happens in healthy relationships.  Passing on information is a very normal way for people to communicate.  What is not normal, or healthy, is the sense of displaced ownership a ‘tweener has about your info, your news and your stories.

I used to be a hardcore ‘tweener.  I was addicted to the passing of info.  The some dastardly shit happened to me, my family and a handful of friends by my careless playing around in drama-rama land.  By passing on info as much as I did and by keeping people in my inner circle who fed off what I was dishing out, I started a chain of events.  By the time it was over, the blood in the water was mine and the sharks circle for a feeding frenzy.  It wasn’t about breaking confidences; it was about participating in bad juju.  For a period of almost seven years or so I lived this unrighteous lifestyle.  I realize now how I allowed myself to get played like a pawn.

I have shared my hurt, my anger when I’ve recognized ‘tweening in action and it was causing a bit of drama.  As a ‘tweener in recovery I thought they would appreciate my input.  Not true.  Instead of being thoughtful and apologetic, they became angry themselves.  Because it was never their fault.  It was the other person’s fault.   Or their actions were righteous if I could just understand their reason for doing what they did.  They are sorry something not nice happened from my end; however, they really did have my interest at heart.

Why I am cautious around these folk is they tend to be people who do not take much stock in personal accountability.  Another generalization is a ‘tweener has the attributes of a major gossip.  Lack of accountability mixed with some gossip equates to a lifestyle of drama.  We have all heard these statements: “She said that you were no longer having problems with it and everything was fine.  So I had no idea.”  “He said he had just talked to you.  He said you wanted me to do that, so I did.”

What do you want to hear when you say, “I was hurt by your actions.”?  Do you want to hear, “Sorry, but it wasn’t my fault cuz if Judy wouldn’t have made it sound like you were okay with it…?” Or “I apologize if my actions hurt you.  I won’t do it again.”