Fear

“I never lie because I don't fear anyone.  You only lie when you're afraid.” --John Gotti

Pretty grand statement to make; him not lying and all.  Don’t know if he’s being honest, however, I know fear is a powerful motivator.  I know when I’ve acted out of fear, bad juju followed.  This is why I am drawn to Buddhism as a means to shed personal dissatisfaction from my being.  And it is why I write this blog.  To let you know you are not the only one.

Isolation occurs when we live with our fears too long.  We isolate ourselves or people push us away.

Self-imposed isolation occurs when you believe you cannot talk to anyone about “it”; therefore, you talk to no one.  It can be abuse, addiction, regret, shame, neglect, or a whole host of other circumstances.  The common denominator is you think you are the only one dealing with “it”.  Social isolation occurs when we’ve lied to others with such frequency people don’t want to be around us.  It is when people don’t want to be around the bullshit.

I hope my blog assures you that you are not alone.  Our experiences may be different, but our fears are the same.  Realize everyone has been on both sides of the spectrum.  Sitting and being quiet (meditating) has forced a sense of self-honesty that makes me, at times, very uncomfortable.

I understand how self-help groups can be beneficial to those of us who feel isolated because we can’t talk about “it”.  What Al-anon did for me was to realize I was not the only person who was taken to the cleaners by a person with a substance addiction.  What the group also showed me was this:  I was the only non-family member (parent, spouse, child) who attended.  I wasn’t married or related to Eric.  So as I sat with myself and meditated I asked, “Do you want to stay in fear?  Have you ever known him when he wasn’t an addict?  What’s makes you so special?  Do you really think he would get help while in a LTR with you? Can you admit you were just an easy mark, a sucker?  Can you forgive yourself?”