When I was starting out my adult life I had opportunities that would have taken me down roads of professional success. However what I choose was laid back opportunities so I could take time off to travel. Meeting people, seeing places, having experiences, learning first hand through action – these are what I craved. (And I still do.) Then shit happened. I started to make decisions not based upon what sang to my soul, but decisions to feed my ego. I have to live with the consequences of actions I took all those years ago.
I made one decision. And many more followed. I made them in order to cling to a sense of belonging with people who said they loved me. I felt important and special. However as time went on I began to realize I was unhappy with the compromises I made. I spent to the past twenty years making one concession after another. I’ve made plans with specific outcomes in mind. Sometimes they were about pride and stubbornness. Sometimes they sprung from foolishness and self-gratifying materialism.
I have spent the past year or so grieving for the death of these plans I made many years ago. I meditate upon the knowledge that dreams of an idealistic 20 and 30 something are not the core of my identity, my sense of purpose. As I am a stone’s throw from my 50s, I have started to unravel that which I tangled myself up into. I am choosing to return to a laid back a way of being. It may not add to my pension fund, several residences or a new car every three years, however I see what life has waiting for me.
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