What I've Figured Out So Far

“Never say never, for if you live long enough, chances are you will not be able to abide by its restrictions. Never is a long, undependable time, and life is too full of rich possibilities to have restrictions placed upon it.” –Gloria Swanson

Self-evaluation is as complete as it’s going to get in this moment.  The self-imposed unspecified time period has reached it’s limit.  And here’s what I’ve figured out. 

I developed some survival tools that are unhealthy, and at times personally destructive, to adapt to living in an environment rife with parental alienation.  As much as I’d like to think that ‘off and on’ therapy has helped me distance myself from these learned patterns, I am still sliding down into my childhood ‘comfort zones’ more often than I want to admit.

I am grateful to my friends who listen and gently remind me to take ownership of ‘me’.  And to realize the greatest gift I can give myself is the commitment to extend loving compassion to ‘me’.  This in turn allows appreciation of all the life lessons presented to me within the lifestyle.  A positive side note: I have a new energy bubbling up during zazen.

My current musing?  I see no reason to return to therapy.  Staying present with my actions and staying real with my ‘family’ of friends in order to glean their wisdom has allowed me to understand my part within my life.  Therapy? We don’t need no stinking therapy!

More Life Lessons Learned at a Snail's Pace

“You will either step forward into growth or you will slip back into safety.” –Abraham Maslow

This is what happens when you put your thoughts out there for people to read: you get feedback.  Others have spoken to me about their own experiences, observations and perspectives.  Here is a synopsis of what people have shared with me.

*What I experienced isn’t rare; unfortunately, it is more common that the community would like to admit.  *I know so many transgendered ladies who take hormones; therefore, I am unaccustomed to the vestiges of overt masculine behavior that arises from those who do not.  *Assholes are assholes regardless of gender identification, label, title, orientation or status.  *Single women at events unfortunately deal with bullshit from too many guys believing they’ve shelled out several hundreds of dollars to be at this event (ticket, hotel, play items, etc.)  and are entitled to receiving some sort o’ nasty.  Nutshell: “Dammit! I’m gonna get mine cuz I came here to have wild and kinky sex.”

My thoughts on their thoughts will have to wait for later blogs.  However, what I’ve come away with is that I have been going to events with an unreasonable mindset.  Once I pass through registration, I let down my vanillaland guard and mill about with ‘safe, sane, and consensual’ as my security blanket.  I believe I can go to events to be myself without censorship.  What my friends have helped me realize is my belief does not match up well with reality. 

My first thought when I was in the grips of the first bear hug was to wait for the pressure to let up and then punch her in the balls and, if needed, to do a front snap kick to create a bit of distance.  However, for the several seconds that elapsed before she released her grip, my mind started to censor my desired reaction.  We were in a smallish, crowded vendor space.  My luck she would have knocked over someone, they would have broken a hip or something and I’m facing a civil action for negligence.  Or my actions could have had me thrown out of the event (and perhaps barred) for throwing the first punch.  Self-censorship.

The second bear hug I received a few hours later from different gal was not so forceful.  It was less about showing off ‘male bravado’ and was more about placing an exclamation point to her statement that I might not be a real Domme.  My mind said, “Fuck you, bitch.”  My words said, “I am a Domme and I don’t submit.”  Self-censorship.

The third time it was when I leaned in to kiss and hug someone good night for the evening.  When we finished hugging, she grabbed my arms and kept kissing me.  I’m sure to onlookers  she looked like the drinking bird toy and I was the glass of water.  After a few pecks I said, “This is too much.”  She stopped for a second and gave me a few more, released my arms and made a few statements about her being so  happy to spend some time with me.  My mind said, “What the fuck!  Not again!”  My words said, “Good night.”   Self-censorship.

So, where there any positive notes from the event?  I’m going to BL5 in April.  (Thank you, Top)  A wonderful guy spent the wee hours of the morning on the last day as my practice toy for different rope ties and getting to know me.  (Thank you, Walt)  I was able to briefly lean on, and collect some righteous energy, from a wonderful little.  (Thank you, Sara)  I received words of wisdom from two incredible women.  (Thank you, Dee & Di)  The generous holiday gift I received from a dear friend.  (Thank you, Peter)  A few unfortunate events that required me to reevaluate my belief about events being a safe haven.  (Thank you for the lessons presented me.)

Figuring It Out

“Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.” –Michael Burke

This is a follow up from yesterday.  And a clarification.

I am not turning into a man-hating or a cross-dress-basher.  What I have shared is about three incidents that occurred within 6 hours of each other at a fetish event.  I let three people know I was interested in them by letting them know I thought they were sexy and gorgeous.  Each person had their own way of conveying how much they wanted to please me.  Which is totally cool and appreciated.  What was not cool and not appreciated was the aggressive manner and brutish conduct I received once I let them know I was interested in becoming intimate.  Which truly shocked me.  I was attracted to these kind, polite, intelligent, funny T-girls.  However once I suggested a change to the relationship, I was dealing with horney, rammy guys wearing dresses.

I know many transgendered gals out there who are the belles of the ball.  And my relationships with them is strictly a ‘no sex’ relationships.  And my intention for writing these latest blogs is not to alienate them.  My reason is to let anyone reading this that I am taking a break from pursuing intimate relationships with T-gals until I can figure out what is fucked up with my filters.

I mean, what is up?  Am I too unreserved at events?  Am I dealing with a series of unfortunate situations so uncommon that I shouldn’t give such reactions any thought?  When I figure it out I’ll let you know.

Wearing A Dress Doesn't Make You A Lady

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” –Abraham Lincoln

I started attending events back in July of last year.  Since then I have been to four.  And I have four more lined up over the next six months.  I attend as a single Domme.  The upside is I don’t have to worry about dramarama.  The downside is I still deal with the same stereotypical bullshit I deal with in vanillaland.

At the last event I attended, I had three people bear hug me and not let go when I pulled away.  One did it while telling me how strong and endowed she is.  One said she wants to put me into sub space.  The third person just couldn’t believe he found an attractive woman who likes CDs.  Whatever their real reasons I do not want to comprehend or understand.  They committed what I consider serious faux pas.

Serious enough that I am deleting my crossdressing.com profile.  And serious enough for me to backpedal from considering genetic men as future sexual partners.  That’s right kiddies!  This chica is being swayed by male bad behavior to keep the ethical slut fun tidbits for the female gender.  I’m still bisexual or pansexual or what every label you wanna place upon me.  However, for an unspecified time period I see myself consistently choosing the gals over guys.  I like to leave my options open for the rare respectful male who won’t pull out of their life toolbox such desperate, forceful coping skills.

The Toughest Life Lesson

“Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid.” –John Wayne  

I've not blogged for a few months.  As with life, it is not one reason but several.  I took a couple of evening classes at the community college to spruce up my resume.  I was annoyed by texts from people who read my blog and thought is was directed at them.  Responsibilities at home, at work and traveling to fetish events all added to me not blogging.  

Sometimes a thought would creep to the forefront of my mind: "Blog. Blog. Blog."  But ya know...just wasn't feeling it.  In the past I would have thrown up a smattering of postings, and again, not for one reason but several.  Knowing others check my blog daily, I do feel a responsibility to create. I have jotted in my notepad many paragraphs of thoughts for blogging, so why not take some time to move them from paper to the web?  I don't like how I feel when I start something and then stop due to outside pressures.  I don't like when I cannot be doing what I want because I have a commitment to obligations outside of "me". 

I didn't want to complete a blog because I know those who check it out or follow me would appreciate a few more tidbits of stuff I don't share normally over a cup of tea.  One of the toughest life lessons for me to 'get it' is doing life at my speed and in my time.  One of the toughest life lessons for me is that I need to balance my life direction with the life directions of my family.  I mean, like, what's more difficult than staying true to a life path while not being seduced by one’s ego?