August 3, 2011

“Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one.”  --Chinese Proverb

Hang around a Buddhist or two and you’ll hear a few ‘different’ terms:  The Five Precepts, The Three Jewels, The Four Noble Truths and The Noble Eightfold Path.  On the Middle Path  one walks with the Right Something.  And there are eight of them.  One of the ‘Rights’ is the Right Action or the Right Conduct.  One acts not because they are legally obligated, but because they are ethically bound.

 

Please keep a lookout for kinksters who prey upon the unsuspecting.  Keep you eyes open for people whose actions contradict what they say.  Understand that owning a few thousand dollars worth of toys is no guarantee a person is a first-class kinkster.  It only means she knows how to shop.  Does he claim to be subbie material looking for a Mistress, yet he consistently posts comments that are akin to cat calls on the profiles of a pretty young things?  Does she usually have a snide comment here and there about people she calls friends?  Do they say they are a poly-oriented couple, yet they never seem to stay in long-term poly relationships?  Does he say he’s all about the Master/slave dynamic; however all he talks about is fucking?

 

Please keep a lookout for kinsters who seize upon opportunity to enhance the community.  Keep your eyes open for people whose actions support what they say.  Understand that when she pulls out her toy box and teachings you how to use the toys correctly is an invaluable gift.  And it demonstrates she is a first-class kinkster.  Does his FetLife profile say he’s looking for a Mistress and he consistently posts respectful comments in group discussions?  Does she support everyone’s right to personal kinky expression?  Does she talk about all aspects of the community without belittling anyone?  Do they talk about the differences of open relationships, poly relationships and swinging, to include where they fall on the spectrum?  Does he talk about seeking a slave while keeping his focus on events and groups dedicated to power exchange in relationships?

 

There is no law that keeps someone from posting cat call-ish comments on FetLife.  And there is no law that keeps someone from enticing you with the sensual side of kink and dumping your ass once you displease them.  There is no law against a person from misusing the sexually charged nature of our kinky community to jack off on your emotions.  Or to mislead you about what they really want just so they can add another notch in their spanking belt.  It is up to you to be safe with your behavior, to be sane with the choices you make regarding partners, and to be consensual with your actions towards others.

August 2, 2011

“Knowledge is consequential. Knowledge currency is social currency on steroids. It’s important, it’s powerful, it’s essential. Thus it is value currency.” –Tim Sanders

Local kinksters are a small part of any community, let alone a small town.  Active local kinksters who will attend munches and events represent an even smaller number.  Imagine being a single person interested in establishing traditional Master/slave relationships.  You are one of 10 people at a munch and all but one are paired up.  And the one is more of a swinger who has no interest in TPE.  Typical story for most of us who live in small towns with small munches.

Things can get complicated when you have a finite group competing over scarce resources.  It’s Macroeconomics 101 outside the classroom!  You witness first hand, up-and-close all those inane theories as they come to life with actual people making real decisions.   However, the currency isn’t legal tender.  The currency of choice is one’s social capital.

It’s interesting to watch people as they spend their currency.  I followed a local group’s talk about The Next Generation (TNG – a subgroup within the community who admits only 18-35 year olds & their partners to events).  Comments were made about why TNG exists.  The most common one was:  Young people who are curious about kinky stuff are more comfortable at meetings with other young people.  This is ‘politically-correctese’ for the younger crowd wants to get together without a bunch of old farts circling like vultures.

The old farts usually represent the established Old Guard in the local community.  They’ve been around the scene.  They’ve got all the pretty toys.  Usually they’ve got private play space.  And they have the stories about years of play.  They’ve got social capital.  But do they have the morality to back it up?  Some do.  Some do not.  Hence why having TNG events is critical for a strong community.    A case for TNG events is when a single woman in her mid 20s goes to a munch and the after party, ends up having one of the Old Guard shove a hand down her pants without consent while on the dance floor.  Not cool.  Currency balance is in the negative for those who act like vultures upon the new people on the scene.  Those inane theories are not always about the good guys winning or everyoen getting a happy ending.

August 1, 2011

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.” –Maya Angelou

Kyoki told me most people ‘find Buddhism’ once they’ve hit rock bottom.  And most people stay with the Center or in active practice for about three to five years.  She said nothing more about the subject.  I can understand how one believes after a few years they no longer need to sit and then choose to ‘lose the training wheels’.

In the beginning one is learning about themself.  It is natural to develop positive life patterns as a response to self-reflection.  New practices equate to new choices and experiences.  One goes along for a while; everything is hunky-dory.  Then the boredom of just sitting sets in.  And one stops sitting.  Stops practicing.  Because they’ve done enough work to break the old, unhealthy patterns.  The question is:  After stopping the practice, what is the recidivism rate for going back to rock bottom?  And how many will not return to Buddhism because it ‘failed’ them?

For me the practice of being still is not about developing a method to deal with feelings of hopelessness.  It is about creating an active practice to keep me from hitting rock bottom again.  It is about me coming to peace with the kinkster in me.  It is about me keeping the twinkle in my eye, a wiggle in my walk and a giggle in my talk.  Oh Baby, that’s what I like!

July 31, 2011

"To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.” -- Joseph Chilton Pearce

I was raised by a military stepfather and a selfish, jealous mother.  There was little room for error in our household, at least for me and my brother.    The folks could make the mistakes; little brother and I could not.  This glaring double standard, draped around parental apathy, left me struggling for many, many years.  Being wrong in our household meant ridicule, public shaming and corporal punishment.  And if I realized before they did that I had made a mistake, then holy shit!   Panic and fear would cut into my body and mind, my existence.  I would live with fear praying not to be found out.

Living with a perpetual fog of fear hanging over my head stunted me.  I spent years not moving, acting like a deer stuck in the headlights.  And when I did do some pretty bold and courageous stuff with my life, success was often thwarted by my fear-based, child-like reactions.  If adversity presented itself or if I realized I had erred, then I would stay silent waiting for bad shit to happen to me.  I would turn into a scared child and hide in the corners to escape shame, ridicule or a beating.  My parents raised a fear-based reactionary who ended up being used for target practice by some very deceitful people.  People who prey upon the wounded.

I made a conscientious choice a little more than a year ago to stop being afraid of making mistakes.  I mean, what was the worst that could happen?  Thousands of dollars of my savings and many valuables could be stolen by an alcoholic boyfriend.  My office staff could conspire with the county administration office to take my business by rerouting the grant funds and financially ruining me.  I could spend seven years in a relationship in which I am being systematically cheated on.  I mean, what really can happen that is worse than what had already happened?

July 30, 2011

“Communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. To survive in the world, we have to act in concert with others, but to survive as ourselves, rather than simply as cogs in a wheel, we have to act alone.” –Deborah Tannen

There is a huge industry built around effective communication with others.  However to be effective at communicating with others, you have to be solid in self-communication.  I know, I know.  Sounds weird to say it that way.  Through personal experience and observation, I have noticed a reoccurring theme in how unhappy people communicate.  What I hear are indirect messages.  A steady barrage of subtly that keeps the active listener in a mode of erratic flux.  I know I communicate in unhealthy ways when I’m unhappy.

I believe it is because the other person’s self-communication is all about very unhealthy messages.  Their self-speak steeps itself in negative thought.  When the person communicates with you, it comes from a place of hurt and self-loathing.  Then you want to decode their message with your handy, dandy decoder ring.  If your decoder ring is all about the unhappy, then there is no effort to decode the message.  If you are not coming from the same place of hurt or negativity, then you will stay in a state of commotion trying to translate a fucked up message.  That is if you choose to stay connected to this person.  I cannot.

My self-communication is transmitting these messages:  ‘This is too emotionally draining.  Walk away.”  “They are spreading a stain of self doubt into my being.”  “Man, like this is totally driving me down.  I’ve lost my giggle and laugh!”  When I start self-communicating these types of messages, then I know I am sending myself messages to save my sanity.

July 29, 2011

"As any old Taoist walking out of the woods can tell you, simple-minded does not necessarily mean stupid." –Benjamin Hoff

When people discuss the beginner’s mind they also talk about the practice of sitting.  And being.

I was recently asked at a kinky event, “So, what do you do?”  My immediate response was, “I be.”  It was the first thought that came to me.  The gentleman smiles at me and says, “Of course, but what do you do here?”  I list out several of the ‘services’ I am willing to perform as a Top.  This is the start of a traditional negotiation.

This past weekend I had a small bit of pre-arranged scheduling for scenes.  However, that was the exception.  I did my best to stay in a simple, fun, unplanned state-of-mind.  I succeeded!

July 28, 2011

“It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles. --Niccolò Machiavelli”

I have been offline for several days while attending TFW 2011 with the greatest friends; I am blessed.

While at the event, I met a whole host of wonderful people.  I found a chew toy behind me at one of Master Aslan’s classes.  A delicate butterfly gracefully flitted about.  I got to manhandle a fellow roper.  A brave warrior shared excellent gender-breaking inspirational stories.  A beautiful Lady from Albany radiated a powerful energy that was intoxicating.

It was a privilege to meet people who displayed great presence, whether Master, slave, Top or Bottom.