“Acceptance of prevailing standards often means we have no standards of our own.” --Jean Toomer
I had a kick ass time at The Floating World this year. It wasn’t because of the actual event itself. It was because when I expressed an opinion or shared a personal belief, people did not counter with the words ‘you oughta’, ‘you coulda’ or ‘ you shoulda’. At TFW2011 I was heard without people trying to convince me to change myself to fit their idea of a ____. (Fill in blank with any word: Domme, woman, kinkster, old fart, short shit, sexy lady, attendee, chunk punk, femme. Really, any word at all.)
We can get caught up in unconstructive patterns that lend themselves to messy relationships. I used to invest a lot, and I mean *a lot*, of time with heated debates. I would be casually chatting with someone, we’d get onto a topic, and then I’d express an opinion or a different perspective. When I would receive a criticism or a ‘that’s just plain wrong’ response, I would try another way to explain myself. I was coming from a place that they just weren’t getting what I was saying. Since I was totally committed to being understood, I would keep trying to explain myself. I now realize I don’t need to be understood by everyone. I don’t need to be listened to. I don’t need to sway converts to my standards. I don’t need feedback that signifies my opinions are valued. I just want to be heard.
I was a bit dense in my younger years. I have this callus right here on the right side of my forehead (pointing to it now). Too many episodes of banging my head against a wall. Today I am not as dense. And I don’t like the idea I can be any type of dense. Alas, perfection evades me.
Today when I hear ‘you shoulda done this’ or ‘you oughta done that’, I’m getting better at recognizing that the person I’m talking to doesn’t like me for who I am. And they want me to behave differently so I can exist in their carefully designed world. Hell, they *need* me to behave in a certain way so I don’t upset their apple cart of reality. My critical error of my youth was to keep insisting that if I were to ‘should’ and ‘ought’, then what I said would not affect my position.
It has taken me years to realize nothing I say to the other person will matter. And if I enter into any type of long-term, life-connecting relationship with a person who frequently uses ought, could or should when communicating with me, I will either have to change my behavior just to survive the relationship OR I will drive myself to self-induced psychotic depression. Either I play-act while keeping grounded in a reality I keep to myself OR I adopt the other person’s idea of reality and lose myself, my own standards.
I tell someone I didn’t bring a strap-on with me to the play space. I tell them I left it behind. If I hear, “Well what did you bring? Whatcha got in that satchel?”, then I know I’m talking with a person who likes me, the real me. And I want to have this kind of person in my life. If I hear, “Josh, golly gee Sergeant. You should never leave that behind. Why come if you aren’t going to bring your strap on?”, then I know I’m talking with a person who probably will always find something disappointing or lacking about me. And I don’t want that.
