The No Asshole Rule

“The trouble with simple living is that, though it can be joyful, rich, and creative, it isn't simple.” --Doris Janzen Longacre

It would take me hundreds of blog posts to give examples of how fucked up my life.  How I spent almost 30 years of not following my heart, my intuition to keep my life simple.  I love to travel and meet people; I enjoy trading stories and ideas.  I am my happiest when I am connecting with people.  Simple.  However I started to complicate my life with choices which took me into less simple waters.

“You’re so bright so why are you wasting your talents on traveling?”  “You have so much potential that you are letting go to waste.”  “Don’t you get bored?”  “How are you going to save for retirement?”

I listened to all these people give me their perfect advice.   They offered me opportunities and options to settle down.  I stopped listening and started acting.  And all that they promised and prophesized appeared to manifest.  However when the rough patches hit, my life went to shit.  When I would turn to others and ask for help, understanding or a temporary reprieve my words fell on deaf ears.

It has taken all this time for me to realize those people were where they wanted to be.  They were happy.  They became unhappy when I told them I was unfulfilled with the choices I had made.  The more I squawked, the more they would ramp up their efforts to force ‘compliance’.   My unhappiness threatened their belief that they had imparted the perfect guidance and counsel.  I mean, there was no way their advice may have been a misstep for me.

So today I tend keep to myself.  I share where I am on my journey.  I ask others where they believe they have journeyed on life’s path.  When I start hearing the ‘you should’ and the ‘you could’ statements flying about, I stay silent.   And then I keep whomever at an arm’s length.  I cannot live anyone’s idea of a joyful and creative life.  I want mine.  Simply mine.

What Is Violence?

“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.”  --Isaac Asimov

Most of us think of a fist to the face as violence.  That’s not where my mind goes.  I think of nonconsensual interactions between beings.  I think of ‘bait-and-switch’ tactics and hidden agendas to lure others into relationships.  I think of malicious, seemingly never ending mind fucks.  I think of all the things people do to others to justify their unawareness, to validate their petty selfishness or to satisfy a mean spirited nature.

We know women who trusted a ‘Dom’ who tricked them into being bound and then commits assault.  We know someone who entered into an M/s relationship and then found their wallet emptied and credit trashed by the ‘slave’ who was full of excuses why they could not get or keep a job.  We have experienced the person who agreed to join us in a poly lifestyle and then built outside intimate relationships without our knowledge.  (Notice I do not use the word ‘consent’.  Many poly people do not require consent, or veto rights, only knowledge.)  We know couples who enter this lifestyle and each person has different motivations: one wants to please the other and one wants legitimacy to have extramarital sex.

The crazy thing about my life is that most people out there would call me the deviant who likes violence.  However I challenge their assumptions.  I believe the deviant people are those who are responsible for committing true violence by assuring us their motives are pure, full of love for us, while they create harm and deception in order to hide their real agenda.

Wearing A Dress Doesn't Make You A Lady

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” –Abraham Lincoln

I started attending events back in July of last year.  Since then I have been to four.  And I have four more lined up over the next six months.  I attend as a single Domme.  The upside is I don’t have to worry about dramarama.  The downside is I still deal with the same stereotypical bullshit I deal with in vanillaland.

At the last event I attended, I had three people bear hug me and not let go when I pulled away.  One did it while telling me how strong and endowed she is.  One said she wants to put me into sub space.  The third person just couldn’t believe he found an attractive woman who likes CDs.  Whatever their real reasons I do not want to comprehend or understand.  They committed what I consider serious faux pas.

Serious enough that I am deleting my crossdressing.com profile.  And serious enough for me to backpedal from considering genetic men as future sexual partners.  That’s right kiddies!  This chica is being swayed by male bad behavior to keep the ethical slut fun tidbits for the female gender.  I’m still bisexual or pansexual or what every label you wanna place upon me.  However, for an unspecified time period I see myself consistently choosing the gals over guys.  I like to leave my options open for the rare respectful male who won’t pull out of their life toolbox such desperate, forceful coping skills.

Guess Who?

“The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.” –Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Staying silent.  Leaving out pertinent information during conversations.  Conscious bait-and-switch.  Subconscious behavioral patterns.  Fear-based reactions.  Attachments.

I find most people get into relationship trouble, especially in the fetish community, when they are not honest with themselves.  Don’t tell me you want to be someone’s play toy and then cry foul when you don’t get lovey, dovey texts throughout the day.  What would possess a kinky-only-in-the-bedroom type to submit a petition to be a collared slave?

I’m at that stage with my meditation where the shit bubbling up is self involved.  Sometimes it’s boring stuff.  Sometimes it’s scary stuff.  Whatever comes to the surface helps me keep an even keel in the sometimes confusing waters of FetishLand.  I encounter my share of biases.  For some I am “not real” because I won’t play privately with people I don’t know well.   For some I am “responsible” because I keep myself safe by playing in public play spaces.  Regardless of what others think, I am me.  Sometimes I get a meanie bug up my ass and one could tag my role as Sadist.  Sometimes I want to cause pain and  portray the pornographic image of a Dominatrix; therefore, you could identify me as a Service Top.  When I get the hots for someone who only wants it in the bedroom and then call me kinkster.

Every so often on FetLife a group discussion pops up about what constitutes a _______.  Fill in the blank with a FetLife role or what I refer to as a personal designation.  Today mine is posted as a Domme.  The dilemma I encounter with any fetish social network is the understanding of what these roles mean.  Someone asked me once if I was a Sadist.  My reply was, “I can be.”  I don’t hide the ebbs and flows of what comprises “me”.  And I know several others who don’t hide themselves.  For others who are stuck on the labels and the pigeonholes, this can be irritating.  For those who are aloof towards the labels, there is liberation.  For those who are releasing the attachments to roles or designations, there is life.

Personal Standards

“Acceptance of prevailing standards often means we have no standards of our own.”  --Jean Toomer

I had a kick ass time at The Floating World this year.  It wasn’t because of the actual event itself.  It was because when I expressed an opinion or shared a personal belief, people did not counter with the words ‘you oughta’, ‘you coulda’  or ‘ you shoulda’.  At TFW2011 I was heard without people trying to convince me to change myself to fit their idea of a ____.  (Fill in blank with any word: Domme, woman, kinkster, old fart, short shit, sexy lady, attendee, chunk punk, femme.  Really, any word at all.)

We can get caught up in unconstructive patterns that lend themselves to messy relationships.  I used to invest a lot, and I mean *a lot*, of time with heated debates.  I would be casually chatting with someone, we’d get onto a topic, and then I’d express an opinion or a different perspective.  When I would receive a criticism or a ‘that’s just plain wrong’ response, I would try another way to explain myself.  I was coming from a place that they just weren’t getting what I was saying.  Since I was totally committed to being understood, I would keep trying to explain myself.  I now realize I don’t need to be understood by everyone.  I don’t need to be listened to.  I don’t need to sway converts to my standards.  I don’t need feedback that signifies my opinions are valued.  I just want to be heard.

I was a bit dense in my younger years.  I have this callus right here on the right side of my forehead (pointing to it now).  Too many episodes of banging my head against a wall.  Today I am not as dense.  And I don’t like the idea I can be any type of dense.  Alas, perfection evades me.

Today when I hear ‘you shoulda done this’ or ‘you oughta done that’, I’m getting better at recognizing that the person I’m talking to doesn’t like me for who I am.  And they want me to behave differently so I can exist in their carefully designed world.  Hell, they *need* me to behave in a certain way so I don’t upset their apple cart of reality.  My critical error of my youth was to keep insisting that if I were to ‘should’ and ‘ought’, then what I said would not affect my position.

It has taken me years to realize nothing I say to the other person will matter.  And if I enter into any type of long-term, life-connecting relationship with a person who frequently uses ought, could or should when communicating with me, I will either have to change my  behavior just to survive the relationship OR I will drive myself to self-induced psychotic depression.  Either I play-act while keeping grounded in a reality I keep to myself OR I adopt the other person’s idea of reality and lose myself, my own standards.

I tell someone I didn’t bring a strap-on with me to the play space.  I tell them I left it behind.  If I hear, “Well what did you bring?  Whatcha got in that satchel?”, then I know I’m talking with a person who likes me, the real me.  And I want to have this kind of person in my life.  If I hear, “Josh, golly gee Sergeant.  You should never leave that behind.  Why come if you aren’t going to bring your strap on?”, then I know I’m talking with a person who probably will always find something disappointing or lacking about me.  And I don’t want that.

Go-betweens

“The most dangerous untruths are truths moderately distorted.” –Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

I am leery around ‘go-betweens’.  I call them ‘tweeners.  There are two types.  Those who believe it is their duty as a friend, leader, parental figure, or whatever rocks their world to take your information, your news, your stories and share it with whomever.   The caveat is the intention of the’ tweener is to advance their standing in the group; it is never for your benefit.  The second type is those who believe they have a right to act on what is told to them by the other type of ‘tweener.  I know, I know.  Sounds a bit like Who’s on first, What’s on second and I Don’t Know is on third.

Please keep in mind I am strictly dealing with the actions of those who act excessively as go-betweens without your best interests at heart.  I’m not talking about the natural sharing which happens in healthy relationships.  Passing on information is a very normal way for people to communicate.  What is not normal, or healthy, is the sense of displaced ownership a ‘tweener has about your info, your news and your stories.

I used to be a hardcore ‘tweener.  I was addicted to the passing of info.  The some dastardly shit happened to me, my family and a handful of friends by my careless playing around in drama-rama land.  By passing on info as much as I did and by keeping people in my inner circle who fed off what I was dishing out, I started a chain of events.  By the time it was over, the blood in the water was mine and the sharks circle for a feeding frenzy.  It wasn’t about breaking confidences; it was about participating in bad juju.  For a period of almost seven years or so I lived this unrighteous lifestyle.  I realize now how I allowed myself to get played like a pawn.

I have shared my hurt, my anger when I’ve recognized ‘tweening in action and it was causing a bit of drama.  As a ‘tweener in recovery I thought they would appreciate my input.  Not true.  Instead of being thoughtful and apologetic, they became angry themselves.  Because it was never their fault.  It was the other person’s fault.   Or their actions were righteous if I could just understand their reason for doing what they did.  They are sorry something not nice happened from my end; however, they really did have my interest at heart.

Why I am cautious around these folk is they tend to be people who do not take much stock in personal accountability.  Another generalization is a ‘tweener has the attributes of a major gossip.  Lack of accountability mixed with some gossip equates to a lifestyle of drama.  We have all heard these statements: “She said that you were no longer having problems with it and everything was fine.  So I had no idea.”  “He said he had just talked to you.  He said you wanted me to do that, so I did.”

What do you want to hear when you say, “I was hurt by your actions.”?  Do you want to hear, “Sorry, but it wasn’t my fault cuz if Judy wouldn’t have made it sound like you were okay with it…?” Or “I apologize if my actions hurt you.  I won’t do it again.”

August 18, 2011

“Force always attracts men of low morality.” –Albert Einstein

Kinky folk, we are a different breed.  Some are extremely comfortable with giving/asking permission with everyday activities, like when to exercise, eat and use the toilet.  Some are not.  Actions I may consider critical to maintain a healthy M/s relationship someone would consider abusive.  When we accept the different expressions of kink within M/s dynamics, we create a healthy community.  We compromise the health of our community when we allow negative judgment and ignorance to exist unchecked.

August 17, 2011

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” –Winston Churchill

Naïve Optimism; Healthy Cynicism; Simple Reality; Spirited Hope; Truth.

People who cannot generate their own happiness or dreams are not on my Holiday Card List.  Just the idea of being around such dark energy gives me the heebie-jeebies.  “Why?” you ask.  Simple.  They expect you to divert your time, energy and resources to them so they can accomplish what’s on their agenda.  Your happiness and dreams are not relevant.  You are not relevant.  Well, except for the time, energy and resources you can provide.  Therefore, you as a person are not ‘seen’ or respected.  You are ‘seen’ only as a means to their end.

How do you know you are in a relationship with a energy-leech?  Tell them you need to spend some time working towards your own dreams.  Tell them you are going to start spending you energy elsewhere.  Tell them you can’t pay their bills anymore.  Watch their reaction.  If they throw up a big fuss or lay a huge guilt trip your way, get rid of the fuckers.