July 17, 2011

“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's.” --Billy Wilder

Sitting still is a boring activity.  However the more I sit, the more engaged I am to my life choices.  At a tortoise pace I am observing and recognizing emotions as they arise.  My self-evaluation has less “I coulda” and “I shoulda” thoughts rolling around my noggin.  A different energy has affected my decision making.  “Stay still.  What am I feeling?  Why is this emotion present?”

It has become important for me to be honest with myself as to why this particular emotion at this particular time.  “Why am I feeling anxious to answer the phone when she calls?  I’m talking to her about being under consideration.  Why am I feeling this way?”  After some honest dialogue I began to realize almost every day there was a new crisis happening in her life which she would complain about.  I don’t like being around people who stay stuck in the complaining.  I like solution oriented people.  For me complainers are energy draining psychic vampires.  I find ‘solvers’ are symbiotic with energy flow.  When I was honest with my emotions I was honest with my response.  “I can’t consider you.”  I shouldn’t feel anxious when I answer the phone.   I want a slave who is creative, optimistic, self-motivated, reliable, and supportive.  A slave who accepts personal accountability for her actions. 

I am so glad I made this choice after a few weeks.  However, it was not I who told her first that I could not keep her under consideration.  Remember the couple I was talking to about entering into a poly situation?  The collared half told her.  I had externally processed my decision while visiting the couple.  ‘Collared half’ told ‘soon not be under consideration’ the next day.  This was the second less-than-respectful use of my information by this person.  ‘Collared half’ knew I was going to privately talk with ‘soon not to be’ the following evening.  This time anger and hurt were the emotions.  And my immediate response was to stop giving my information with either of them.  Which is really unfortunate.  The Master half of the couple is a really great guy and I like him.

My mistake was processing with a person who had already used my information in a less-than-respectful manner.  My solution is to stop the habit of externally processing with people.  Period.  I  just need to sit still.  I used to think I would receive benefit by processing with someone else to get all sides of a situation before making my choice.  However instead of seeing this as an act of trust and strength, I have come to realize most people see it as an act of weakness to exploit.  I am grateful to have learned this lesson.  The benefit has been I now practice sitting still with a renewed enthusiasm.