Simple Is Not Always So

“The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.” --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I am having a difficult time keeping compassion in my heart.  At first when the insensitive, the insecure, the unaware or the dim-witted come into my path I have compassion for their plight.  However, given time I begin to feel the welling up of irritation, anger, frustration.  Then guilt sets in and an internal struggle ensues.

Shouldn’t I be beyond such ego-driven needs of reciprocity in relationships?  Who said ‘mutual benefit’ is a necessity in life?  Is anything like this even mentioned in our constitution?  I mean, what is more intimate than someone caring so much about you that they want to help meet your needs?  Contrary to popular opinion I do not believe chicken soup feeds the soul.  A small helping of authentic sharing sates my appetite.

For me reciprocity implies the other person is responding to my needs and I am being ‘heard’.  Not just listened to, but heard.  Someone cares enough about me to process what I have shared with them and in turn shows me that “you like me, right now, you like me!” with their actions.

Problem is when I put myself in a position to rely on such give-and-take in a relationship, this is when I have been the most disappointed.  In fact, relying on others to keep me safe, to help me through the tough times or to lift me over troubled waters have been the lowest points of my life.  When I reflect on my moments where compassion is replaced by ill emotions, I realize I am being insincere. 

The feelings of anger and frustration are direct by-products of the lack of honesty I have with myself in that moment.  Sometimes it is about me reliving old hurts and projecting them on another.  Sometimes it is about me not being direct with a person because I don’t have the confidence to do so.  Sometimes it is as simple as me not taking care of my physical self, so my mental and emotional selves are in a state of exhaustion.

I cannot keep compassion, at times, in my heart because I hold it there by force.  I still experience compassion as an emotion, and not as a state of being.  Then I beat myself up with the reaction of guilt.  Vicious, exhausting cycle. 

The Choices of a Social Hermit

“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.” – from “The Teachings of Buddha”

My truth: The relationship status I have with myself is best described as “it’s complicated”.  I admit there are a few not-so-flattering facts I have come to realize about myself. 

 I have held close people who did not truly care for me, the real me; they cared only what I could do for them.  As soon as the money ran out, my mental energy faded or my good nature wore thin, “loved ones” disappeared to leave me to pick up the debris in the aftermath.  Physical and emotional. 

I have held close people who did not believe in my ability to accomplish what I set my mind to, even when it bucks convention.  When I needed true support when times got tough, I was given cursory encouragement and superficial assistance.

For the past two years I have stayed single.  So far I do a better job at not complicating my life with nonsense bullshit.  (Or should I say bullshiters?)  There is a reason those who can empty their lives of physical and emotional expectations choose monastic lives.  They separate themselves from the interference inherent when bringing into one’s inner circle the drama junky, the deceiving wretch, the confused child, the bratty twit. 

Even well meaning folk can derail us as they make requests of our time and energy.  We become a parent, a daughter, a sister, a son, a brother, a friend, a boss, a colleague, a student, a client…the list goes on.  We can spend days, weeks, or years being someone to others and not to ourselves.  It is the making of an unfulfilled life to be someone to people who would do not love you.

I Can't Get Off

“Disturbing emotions not only disturb our own state of mind, they also disturb the minds of others.” --Dalai Lama

I know I’ve touched on this before, however it still has an everyday significance in our lives.  Let’s say spiritual, religious or personal practice isn’t your thing.  But you want to make a change or two to lessen the stress in your life.  I suggest this one change: do not keep people who are emotionally imbalanced in your life.

Vivian Green sings about it in Emotional Rollercoaster.  Everything she does to stay balanced is for not because she believes she cannot leave her lover’s emotional rollercoaster.  Lover, friend, co-worker, family – doesn’t matter the relationship.  What matters is realizing that there is energy sucking activity going on.  Personally the only sucking I like is either clit or cock.  Okay, add a nipple or two.  You can suck my toes; however, I will not suck yours.  Apologies, I digress.

The person (or persons) who want to draw you into their mire of emotional wreckage cannot, or will not, produce their own balance.  They truly need your energy to give them solace.  You can continue to use your energy to bolster their ride.  Or you can use your energy to create balance in your life.  Choices, choices, choices.  I’ve spent the past fifteen years allowing others to use my energy for their gain.  No more.  Today I use my energy for my balance, my life choices.  I invite you to do the same. 

The Creation Myth

“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was talking with someone the other day after a meeting.  He shared with me he was anxious to leave and get home to check the mail.  He was waiting for a letter (which was a week late) and if it wasn’t in the mailbox, he was going to call the firm’s office.  I commented that it was almost 8 o’clock at night and no one would be there to address his concern.  Silence.  I quipped, “There is always a tomorrow.”  He replied, “Ya have to live like there is no tomorrow.”

He is right.  There is no tomorrow.  Tomorrow is an idea.  It does not exist, it will never exist.  To have thoughts about a tomorrow is to invite dissatisfaction.  The future, as we script it in our imagination, never comes to pass the way we envision it.  Tomorrow will always fall short when compared to those vividly crafted dreams reworked to perfection. 

I am right.  Another day will dawn.  There will be another moment beyond this one.  Though this moment is what matters the most, it does not stay still.  It evolves into another moment.  And another.  Eventually the moon will settle against the horizon and give way to a rising sun.   What is not a given is that I, a sentient being, may not be here to experience the next day.

Most people create a tomorrow in which they exist in it.  I believe it is from this premise we set ourselves up for continuous disappointment, or constant suffering.  Attachment occurs when I believe my existence is crucial to the sun rising in the morning.  Illusions begin when I act on the belief that the waxing of the moon requires my existence.  Such nonsense.  Yet we all go about our days making choices and taking action based upon this silliness.  Want to live like there’s no tomorrow?  Then live in this moment.  And nothing more.

August 22, 2011

“Even more foolish is one who clings to words and phrases and thus tries to achieve understanding.  It is like trying to strike the moon with a stick, or scratching a shoe because there is an itchy spot on the foot.  It has nothing to do with the Truth.” –Yamada Mumon Roshi

Many of us in the lifestyle live in two worlds: public and kink.  Rarely the two shall meet.  So how do you know the really cool and funny person you met at a lifestyle event is a really cool and funny person 24/7?  You don’t.

Many moons ago I took a week off from work, rented a cabin in the middle of the woods and started to write my Dictionary.  I took pen to paper and started to write my own definitions to words like companion and success.  I spent seven years creating what was to be the start of a new life and eventually a workshop series.  My goal was to create a nonprofit self-discovery institute on 20 acres in Cooks Forest.  We would hold seminars and workshops for other like minded folk.  Creating a Personal Dictionary and Life Diary were to be the keystones of the institute.

Well, the Dictionary made an impact in my life.  It created a false security in those who were within my sacred circle.  After the loss of a long-term relationship, a fledging poly situation and a business, I no longer have a Dictionary.  I discovered people are not to be trusted with words, mine or theirs.  Today I observe.  I pay attention to behavior, to actions.