Guess Who?

“The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.” –Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Staying silent.  Leaving out pertinent information during conversations.  Conscious bait-and-switch.  Subconscious behavioral patterns.  Fear-based reactions.  Attachments.

I find most people get into relationship trouble, especially in the fetish community, when they are not honest with themselves.  Don’t tell me you want to be someone’s play toy and then cry foul when you don’t get lovey, dovey texts throughout the day.  What would possess a kinky-only-in-the-bedroom type to submit a petition to be a collared slave?

I’m at that stage with my meditation where the shit bubbling up is self involved.  Sometimes it’s boring stuff.  Sometimes it’s scary stuff.  Whatever comes to the surface helps me keep an even keel in the sometimes confusing waters of FetishLand.  I encounter my share of biases.  For some I am “not real” because I won’t play privately with people I don’t know well.   For some I am “responsible” because I keep myself safe by playing in public play spaces.  Regardless of what others think, I am me.  Sometimes I get a meanie bug up my ass and one could tag my role as Sadist.  Sometimes I want to cause pain and  portray the pornographic image of a Dominatrix; therefore, you could identify me as a Service Top.  When I get the hots for someone who only wants it in the bedroom and then call me kinkster.

Every so often on FetLife a group discussion pops up about what constitutes a _______.  Fill in the blank with a FetLife role or what I refer to as a personal designation.  Today mine is posted as a Domme.  The dilemma I encounter with any fetish social network is the understanding of what these roles mean.  Someone asked me once if I was a Sadist.  My reply was, “I can be.”  I don’t hide the ebbs and flows of what comprises “me”.  And I know several others who don’t hide themselves.  For others who are stuck on the labels and the pigeonholes, this can be irritating.  For those who are aloof towards the labels, there is liberation.  For those who are releasing the attachments to roles or designations, there is life.

August 22, 2011

“Even more foolish is one who clings to words and phrases and thus tries to achieve understanding.  It is like trying to strike the moon with a stick, or scratching a shoe because there is an itchy spot on the foot.  It has nothing to do with the Truth.” –Yamada Mumon Roshi

Many of us in the lifestyle live in two worlds: public and kink.  Rarely the two shall meet.  So how do you know the really cool and funny person you met at a lifestyle event is a really cool and funny person 24/7?  You don’t.

Many moons ago I took a week off from work, rented a cabin in the middle of the woods and started to write my Dictionary.  I took pen to paper and started to write my own definitions to words like companion and success.  I spent seven years creating what was to be the start of a new life and eventually a workshop series.  My goal was to create a nonprofit self-discovery institute on 20 acres in Cooks Forest.  We would hold seminars and workshops for other like minded folk.  Creating a Personal Dictionary and Life Diary were to be the keystones of the institute.

Well, the Dictionary made an impact in my life.  It created a false security in those who were within my sacred circle.  After the loss of a long-term relationship, a fledging poly situation and a business, I no longer have a Dictionary.  I discovered people are not to be trusted with words, mine or theirs.  Today I observe.  I pay attention to behavior, to actions.

August 20, 2011

“Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned.” –His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Experience tells me that crazy shit can happen in our lives.  It also tells that many people take advantage of a generous nature in others.  Logic tells me it can’t rain every day.  It also stands to reason that nothing says up on a high forever.  Experience tells me that huge mood swings, the high highs and the low lows, are not nature states of being.  Logic tells me the day-to-day stuff as mundane as it is, presents us raw truth and clarity.