Simple Is Not Always So

“The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.” --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I am having a difficult time keeping compassion in my heart.  At first when the insensitive, the insecure, the unaware or the dim-witted come into my path I have compassion for their plight.  However, given time I begin to feel the welling up of irritation, anger, frustration.  Then guilt sets in and an internal struggle ensues.

Shouldn’t I be beyond such ego-driven needs of reciprocity in relationships?  Who said ‘mutual benefit’ is a necessity in life?  Is anything like this even mentioned in our constitution?  I mean, what is more intimate than someone caring so much about you that they want to help meet your needs?  Contrary to popular opinion I do not believe chicken soup feeds the soul.  A small helping of authentic sharing sates my appetite.

For me reciprocity implies the other person is responding to my needs and I am being ‘heard’.  Not just listened to, but heard.  Someone cares enough about me to process what I have shared with them and in turn shows me that “you like me, right now, you like me!” with their actions.

Problem is when I put myself in a position to rely on such give-and-take in a relationship, this is when I have been the most disappointed.  In fact, relying on others to keep me safe, to help me through the tough times or to lift me over troubled waters have been the lowest points of my life.  When I reflect on my moments where compassion is replaced by ill emotions, I realize I am being insincere. 

The feelings of anger and frustration are direct by-products of the lack of honesty I have with myself in that moment.  Sometimes it is about me reliving old hurts and projecting them on another.  Sometimes it is about me not being direct with a person because I don’t have the confidence to do so.  Sometimes it is as simple as me not taking care of my physical self, so my mental and emotional selves are in a state of exhaustion.

I cannot keep compassion, at times, in my heart because I hold it there by force.  I still experience compassion as an emotion, and not as a state of being.  Then I beat myself up with the reaction of guilt.  Vicious, exhausting cycle. 

The Choices of a Social Hermit

“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.” – from “The Teachings of Buddha”

My truth: The relationship status I have with myself is best described as “it’s complicated”.  I admit there are a few not-so-flattering facts I have come to realize about myself. 

 I have held close people who did not truly care for me, the real me; they cared only what I could do for them.  As soon as the money ran out, my mental energy faded or my good nature wore thin, “loved ones” disappeared to leave me to pick up the debris in the aftermath.  Physical and emotional. 

I have held close people who did not believe in my ability to accomplish what I set my mind to, even when it bucks convention.  When I needed true support when times got tough, I was given cursory encouragement and superficial assistance.

For the past two years I have stayed single.  So far I do a better job at not complicating my life with nonsense bullshit.  (Or should I say bullshiters?)  There is a reason those who can empty their lives of physical and emotional expectations choose monastic lives.  They separate themselves from the interference inherent when bringing into one’s inner circle the drama junky, the deceiving wretch, the confused child, the bratty twit. 

Even well meaning folk can derail us as they make requests of our time and energy.  We become a parent, a daughter, a sister, a son, a brother, a friend, a boss, a colleague, a student, a client…the list goes on.  We can spend days, weeks, or years being someone to others and not to ourselves.  It is the making of an unfulfilled life to be someone to people who would do not love you.

What I've Figured Out So Far

“Never say never, for if you live long enough, chances are you will not be able to abide by its restrictions. Never is a long, undependable time, and life is too full of rich possibilities to have restrictions placed upon it.” –Gloria Swanson

Self-evaluation is as complete as it’s going to get in this moment.  The self-imposed unspecified time period has reached it’s limit.  And here’s what I’ve figured out. 

I developed some survival tools that are unhealthy, and at times personally destructive, to adapt to living in an environment rife with parental alienation.  As much as I’d like to think that ‘off and on’ therapy has helped me distance myself from these learned patterns, I am still sliding down into my childhood ‘comfort zones’ more often than I want to admit.

I am grateful to my friends who listen and gently remind me to take ownership of ‘me’.  And to realize the greatest gift I can give myself is the commitment to extend loving compassion to ‘me’.  This in turn allows appreciation of all the life lessons presented to me within the lifestyle.  A positive side note: I have a new energy bubbling up during zazen.

My current musing?  I see no reason to return to therapy.  Staying present with my actions and staying real with my ‘family’ of friends in order to glean their wisdom has allowed me to understand my part within my life.  Therapy? We don’t need no stinking therapy!

I Can't Get Off

“Disturbing emotions not only disturb our own state of mind, they also disturb the minds of others.” --Dalai Lama

I know I’ve touched on this before, however it still has an everyday significance in our lives.  Let’s say spiritual, religious or personal practice isn’t your thing.  But you want to make a change or two to lessen the stress in your life.  I suggest this one change: do not keep people who are emotionally imbalanced in your life.

Vivian Green sings about it in Emotional Rollercoaster.  Everything she does to stay balanced is for not because she believes she cannot leave her lover’s emotional rollercoaster.  Lover, friend, co-worker, family – doesn’t matter the relationship.  What matters is realizing that there is energy sucking activity going on.  Personally the only sucking I like is either clit or cock.  Okay, add a nipple or two.  You can suck my toes; however, I will not suck yours.  Apologies, I digress.

The person (or persons) who want to draw you into their mire of emotional wreckage cannot, or will not, produce their own balance.  They truly need your energy to give them solace.  You can continue to use your energy to bolster their ride.  Or you can use your energy to create balance in your life.  Choices, choices, choices.  I’ve spent the past fifteen years allowing others to use my energy for their gain.  No more.  Today I use my energy for my balance, my life choices.  I invite you to do the same. 

The Creation Myth

“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was talking with someone the other day after a meeting.  He shared with me he was anxious to leave and get home to check the mail.  He was waiting for a letter (which was a week late) and if it wasn’t in the mailbox, he was going to call the firm’s office.  I commented that it was almost 8 o’clock at night and no one would be there to address his concern.  Silence.  I quipped, “There is always a tomorrow.”  He replied, “Ya have to live like there is no tomorrow.”

He is right.  There is no tomorrow.  Tomorrow is an idea.  It does not exist, it will never exist.  To have thoughts about a tomorrow is to invite dissatisfaction.  The future, as we script it in our imagination, never comes to pass the way we envision it.  Tomorrow will always fall short when compared to those vividly crafted dreams reworked to perfection. 

I am right.  Another day will dawn.  There will be another moment beyond this one.  Though this moment is what matters the most, it does not stay still.  It evolves into another moment.  And another.  Eventually the moon will settle against the horizon and give way to a rising sun.   What is not a given is that I, a sentient being, may not be here to experience the next day.

Most people create a tomorrow in which they exist in it.  I believe it is from this premise we set ourselves up for continuous disappointment, or constant suffering.  Attachment occurs when I believe my existence is crucial to the sun rising in the morning.  Illusions begin when I act on the belief that the waxing of the moon requires my existence.  Such nonsense.  Yet we all go about our days making choices and taking action based upon this silliness.  Want to live like there’s no tomorrow?  Then live in this moment.  And nothing more.

High Fidelity

“Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose” -- Helen Keller

Remember the old recording tape commercials?  "Is it live, or is it Memorex?"  It was back in the day when hi fi was the quest.  High Fidelity.  Most people when they hear ‘fidelity’ think of someone or something being pure, loyal, faithful.  If I were to make the request for fidelity, you probably would think I’m requesting sexual and emotional exclusivity.  Well you’re wrong.  When I hear the word ‘fidelity’ I think of accuracy, proper representation, in-your-face truth.

If you are all about the kink and only want it in the bedroom, there is no shame in admitting it.  This is critical information when negotiating for a play partner.  Are you a dominant type wanting to do the nasty with another dominant type?  Cool beans.  If you are into cross dressing, yet play it straight in all other aspects of your life, then strut in them heels!  There are gg’s (genetic girls) who think you’re sexy.  Are you someone who only wants to bind people up in rope so you can take some wicked snapshots?  Excellente, my friend.

Psst…psst… stop your multitasking, your wondering thoughts.  Pay attention.  Focus.

Fidelity works for me because it means you’ve passed the scrutiny wand over your life, your dreams, your deep recesses, your garbage.  I find fidelity sexy.  There’s something magnetic about a person who says, “This is who I am.  This is what I’m about.” AND THEY MEAN IT!

As we “Remember, Remember, the Fifth of November” at the The Geeky Kink Event, hit me up for a worthy purpose.  We are going to find out if it’s live or if it’s Memorex.

A Eureka Moment

“Listening to people keeps them entertained.” –Mason Cooley

I’m a fairly good listener.  That is if you believe listening is about taking in what someone is telling you and filing it away in your memory banks.  I’m an awful listener if you believe listening is about being able to decode accurately what is being said.

I’m not the brightest star in the universe when it comes to assessing when people are being candid with their words or when they are misleading with their words.  I know why this is: most deceitful people truly believe their own bullshit.  It is their sincerity in the moment that trips me up.

Lately when I ‘sit’ (new to my blog? Translation: zazen) my thoughts have been migrating towards how to become a more open listener, how to accurately process what I am listening to.  I had a moment today.  Eureka!

Detach.  Detach from how I expect the message to be decoded.  I, as the receiver, am responsible for how the message gets into my data banks.  I have mostly started with the premise people don’t want to be caught in blatant lies; therefore, I consider detailed information as primarily valid.  This is my attachment.  Believing I can ascertain fiction from truth.  I cannot.  With this realization, the feeling of naked vulnerability set in.