Modern False Prophets

“A lie would have no sense unless the truth were to feel dangerous.” –Alfred Adler

Social networks are changing the way we communicate with the world.  They are transforming how we connect with others and how we represent ourselves to the public.  This blog is an example.  I know personally a dozen people who read it; however this blog has approximately three dozen weekly readers in total.   

If you subscribe to Sacred Contracts, I’m sure that you can identify my twelve primary archetypes.  If you do not, then I don’t have much to add other than this: These blogs are me.  For those who do not know me in person, these blogs are as personal as it gets.  If you don’t like what I write, then you won’t want to spend any one-on-one time with me.  If you believe what I am sharing would warrant me an invite for kaffee und kuchen, then we are on the same page.  For me blogging is about personal growth, and sharing my lessons/thoughts with whomever drifts this way.

Internet-based networking has changed how we write our stories.  We are the heroine, the artist, the storyteller, the warrior, the mystic, and the increasingly popular, victim.  You see the profiles.  The sock puppet accounts, the single ‘couples’ accounts, the love-me-for my-big-cock or big-titties accounts, the “I’m so misunderstood” accounts.

We see the empty profiles with a question mark for the personal icon, no groups, no wall posts, no events, maybe a handful of “friends”.  My thoughts:  Cheater or a second profile so someone can write about their real thoughts on a discussion board.  We see the individual account that has an introduction of “we are a couple”.  My thoughts:  Trouble in paradise or there are serious trust issues present.  Every so often someone writes a journal entry about the small-minded people are who only show a picture of their huge cock or udder-ly enormous breasts on their profile.  I do not think small-minded.  I think, “Nice.  Me like. I wonder how many people without ethics or ‘moral purpose’ are hitting on them right now?”  Boys and girls, this is a public service announcement: Transparent insecurity is an aphrodisiac to predators.

Then we see the profiles that have one or two lengthy paragraphs about how they, the profile owners, need to explain themselves.  They are just simple folk who are misunderstood by a few in the community.  And if you, the reader, ever talk to those rouge few, they just have to put the whole story out there, to explain all the rumors and false information you, the reader, may hear.  My thoughts: Drama-rama is part of their makeup.  And they must be pretty full of themselves to think I give two farts about the sliver of a chance I may run into these rouge few who have something unpleasant to say about them.  The profiles I really appreciate are those who say this-is-who-I-am without all the trappings and bullshit.

For the longest time I did not have a ‘real’ profile.  I called it a 'shell'.  Then I added two links: one to Twitter and one to this blog.  It has only been in the past few months I added the ‘petition for service’ part of my about me section.  Overall I have not changed my stance about how I want to connect with people: meet me at a munch or an event.  I give you glimpses of my thought processes via this blog.  However, if you really want to get to know the genuine article, you need to do it face to face.  No matter how many times I post to this blog or I modify my 'about me' section, you will never get to truly experience Me using an internet-based social network.

You Say Tomato, I Say Tomahto

“Passion is a positive obsession. Obsession is a negative passion.” –Paul Carvel

I know several people who have read my blog.  I have gotten one of two reactions:  “I’ve learned something about you I didn’t know before” and “I have read over and over your stories.  I feel you were saying mean things about someone I know.”  A person’s response is a great litmus test to how they take the emotion elicited by my blog and transform it through their thoughts. 

The fixation generated about reading a few stories that I equate to life lessons and my desire to share them.  Other than one person, I don’t use actual names to identify anyone.  Some of my life events occurred anytime between twenty years ago and up to recent times.  People who weren’t there wouldn’t have a clue about who was there with me through my life lessons.  I have heard people tell me, “So-and-so said they couldn’t believe you wrote about them in your blog for the world to see.  There is a good reason for what they did.  You just misunderstood their actions/their words.”  My thoughts are this.  Why isn’t so-and-so asking me out right about my blog?  Why is so-and-so talking to others about what they assume to be my truth?  Why is so-and so spending so much energy telling others my life lessons misrepresent what really happened or what was really said; “The lady doth protest too much, methinks”.

The enthusiasm generated about getting to know a bit about me through stories I normally would not disclose over coffee.  This is the other side of the same coin.  The same emotion my blog creates as it runs through another’s psyche, another’s filters.  My blog is a catalyst for discussions about how I got to be this person at this point in time.  And it shows people they are not alone in stepping on landmines as they navigate this life.  My blog also shows people they can recover with their sanity intact from the damage inflicted by such landmines.

Why I consider the reaction to this blog as a litmus test is simple.  If you fixate on a few stories that you believe are an injustice for me to put out there, I think there will not be any common ground for us to meet.  Well, other than your sense of self importance.  If you read, reread and reread again my blogs, then accuse me of being unfair to others without having been a firsthand participant, then I know you have come to plead for another’s case.  Which I begin wonder if you have already approached me with bias and another’s agenda at hand.   If you read my blog with the desire to help me celebrate how far I have come in this life after almost being aborted, well then you get it.  You understand the story is not about the people, me or others, but about the celebration of realizing we are infallible beings. 

I have a right to express myself.  I have a right to share what has happened to me.  I choose to use this forum to send out to the void what I see as my truth.  If you don’t agree, fine.  If you agree, fine too.  You have a choice to keep coming back to read this blog.  Or not.  Simple.

What Is Violence?

“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.”  --Isaac Asimov

Most of us think of a fist to the face as violence.  That’s not where my mind goes.  I think of nonconsensual interactions between beings.  I think of ‘bait-and-switch’ tactics and hidden agendas to lure others into relationships.  I think of malicious, seemingly never ending mind fucks.  I think of all the things people do to others to justify their unawareness, to validate their petty selfishness or to satisfy a mean spirited nature.

We know women who trusted a ‘Dom’ who tricked them into being bound and then commits assault.  We know someone who entered into an M/s relationship and then found their wallet emptied and credit trashed by the ‘slave’ who was full of excuses why they could not get or keep a job.  We have experienced the person who agreed to join us in a poly lifestyle and then built outside intimate relationships without our knowledge.  (Notice I do not use the word ‘consent’.  Many poly people do not require consent, or veto rights, only knowledge.)  We know couples who enter this lifestyle and each person has different motivations: one wants to please the other and one wants legitimacy to have extramarital sex.

The crazy thing about my life is that most people out there would call me the deviant who likes violence.  However I challenge their assumptions.  I believe the deviant people are those who are responsible for committing true violence by assuring us their motives are pure, full of love for us, while they create harm and deception in order to hide their real agenda.

More Life Lessons Learned at a Snail's Pace

“You will either step forward into growth or you will slip back into safety.” –Abraham Maslow

This is what happens when you put your thoughts out there for people to read: you get feedback.  Others have spoken to me about their own experiences, observations and perspectives.  Here is a synopsis of what people have shared with me.

*What I experienced isn’t rare; unfortunately, it is more common that the community would like to admit.  *I know so many transgendered ladies who take hormones; therefore, I am unaccustomed to the vestiges of overt masculine behavior that arises from those who do not.  *Assholes are assholes regardless of gender identification, label, title, orientation or status.  *Single women at events unfortunately deal with bullshit from too many guys believing they’ve shelled out several hundreds of dollars to be at this event (ticket, hotel, play items, etc.)  and are entitled to receiving some sort o’ nasty.  Nutshell: “Dammit! I’m gonna get mine cuz I came here to have wild and kinky sex.”

My thoughts on their thoughts will have to wait for later blogs.  However, what I’ve come away with is that I have been going to events with an unreasonable mindset.  Once I pass through registration, I let down my vanillaland guard and mill about with ‘safe, sane, and consensual’ as my security blanket.  I believe I can go to events to be myself without censorship.  What my friends have helped me realize is my belief does not match up well with reality. 

My first thought when I was in the grips of the first bear hug was to wait for the pressure to let up and then punch her in the balls and, if needed, to do a front snap kick to create a bit of distance.  However, for the several seconds that elapsed before she released her grip, my mind started to censor my desired reaction.  We were in a smallish, crowded vendor space.  My luck she would have knocked over someone, they would have broken a hip or something and I’m facing a civil action for negligence.  Or my actions could have had me thrown out of the event (and perhaps barred) for throwing the first punch.  Self-censorship.

The second bear hug I received a few hours later from different gal was not so forceful.  It was less about showing off ‘male bravado’ and was more about placing an exclamation point to her statement that I might not be a real Domme.  My mind said, “Fuck you, bitch.”  My words said, “I am a Domme and I don’t submit.”  Self-censorship.

The third time it was when I leaned in to kiss and hug someone good night for the evening.  When we finished hugging, she grabbed my arms and kept kissing me.  I’m sure to onlookers  she looked like the drinking bird toy and I was the glass of water.  After a few pecks I said, “This is too much.”  She stopped for a second and gave me a few more, released my arms and made a few statements about her being so  happy to spend some time with me.  My mind said, “What the fuck!  Not again!”  My words said, “Good night.”   Self-censorship.

So, where there any positive notes from the event?  I’m going to BL5 in April.  (Thank you, Top)  A wonderful guy spent the wee hours of the morning on the last day as my practice toy for different rope ties and getting to know me.  (Thank you, Walt)  I was able to briefly lean on, and collect some righteous energy, from a wonderful little.  (Thank you, Sara)  I received words of wisdom from two incredible women.  (Thank you, Dee & Di)  The generous holiday gift I received from a dear friend.  (Thank you, Peter)  A few unfortunate events that required me to reevaluate my belief about events being a safe haven.  (Thank you for the lessons presented me.)

Saw a funny thing on the way to lunch...

“God is Pro-Life” –bumper sticker

Really?  I don’t think so.  God was not thinking pro-life when he sent the flood or set towns ablaze.  God sanctioned selective infanticide by an assassin in the middle of the night.

The ironic outcome from years of Sunday school and bible study was I stopped believing in a Judeo-Christian God.  I knew has a young child something was seriously wrong with what I had read and what I had been taught.  I formed my own thoughts. 

An enlightened being doesn’t kill to make their point or to teach a lesson.  An all-powerful being doesn’t respond with brute force to get his way, weak people do.  An all-knowing being doesn’t offer up free will to the newly created ‘kiddies’ and then gets angry when they exercise their free will.  If God were an all-knowing being then he would have known what all mere mortal parents know:  If you don’t want the kids to eat cookies, then don’t have them in the house.

August 16, 2011

“A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.” –Doug Larson

I think too much.  I know.  And my thinking gets me into all kinds of trouble!  For instance, I am beginning to think that striving for a clear conscience is psychobabble bullshit.  Our conscience is the inner voice acting as a guide to choose right conduct over wrong conduct.  Fine.  What if someone insists their actions are righteous?  A rationale explanation is created ‘cause it’s their story and they’re sticking to it.  Anyone who has been in a relationship with an alcoholic or philander knows what I’m talking about.  So I started to think maybe having a clear social conscience makes for better behaving human beings. 

But then I started to think about all the shit people have done in the name of the social good or social values.  Nhem En’s rationale was he was just a photographer.  He didn’t do anything.  It was the guards and other staff at S-21 who committed the atrocities.  En only took the pictures.  And if it wasn’t him, En said it would have been someone else.  I am beginning to think that striving for a social conscience is psychobabble chicken shit.

For all this thinking I’m left with shit.  What’s the alternative?  Stop thinking.  Or as the Eightfold Path guides us: Stop wasting mental capacity on wasteful thoughts.  Fuck.  That was easy!  (Hey, where’s a Buddha Easy Button when you need one!)