Figuring It Out

“Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.” –Michael Burke

This is a follow up from yesterday.  And a clarification.

I am not turning into a man-hating or a cross-dress-basher.  What I have shared is about three incidents that occurred within 6 hours of each other at a fetish event.  I let three people know I was interested in them by letting them know I thought they were sexy and gorgeous.  Each person had their own way of conveying how much they wanted to please me.  Which is totally cool and appreciated.  What was not cool and not appreciated was the aggressive manner and brutish conduct I received once I let them know I was interested in becoming intimate.  Which truly shocked me.  I was attracted to these kind, polite, intelligent, funny T-girls.  However once I suggested a change to the relationship, I was dealing with horney, rammy guys wearing dresses.

I know many transgendered gals out there who are the belles of the ball.  And my relationships with them is strictly a ‘no sex’ relationships.  And my intention for writing these latest blogs is not to alienate them.  My reason is to let anyone reading this that I am taking a break from pursuing intimate relationships with T-gals until I can figure out what is fucked up with my filters.

I mean, what is up?  Am I too unreserved at events?  Am I dealing with a series of unfortunate situations so uncommon that I shouldn’t give such reactions any thought?  When I figure it out I’ll let you know.

August 16, 2011

“A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.” –Doug Larson

I think too much.  I know.  And my thinking gets me into all kinds of trouble!  For instance, I am beginning to think that striving for a clear conscience is psychobabble bullshit.  Our conscience is the inner voice acting as a guide to choose right conduct over wrong conduct.  Fine.  What if someone insists their actions are righteous?  A rationale explanation is created ‘cause it’s their story and they’re sticking to it.  Anyone who has been in a relationship with an alcoholic or philander knows what I’m talking about.  So I started to think maybe having a clear social conscience makes for better behaving human beings. 

But then I started to think about all the shit people have done in the name of the social good or social values.  Nhem En’s rationale was he was just a photographer.  He didn’t do anything.  It was the guards and other staff at S-21 who committed the atrocities.  En only took the pictures.  And if it wasn’t him, En said it would have been someone else.  I am beginning to think that striving for a social conscience is psychobabble chicken shit.

For all this thinking I’m left with shit.  What’s the alternative?  Stop thinking.  Or as the Eightfold Path guides us: Stop wasting mental capacity on wasteful thoughts.  Fuck.  That was easy!  (Hey, where’s a Buddha Easy Button when you need one!)