August 17, 2011

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” –Winston Churchill

Naïve Optimism; Healthy Cynicism; Simple Reality; Spirited Hope; Truth.

People who cannot generate their own happiness or dreams are not on my Holiday Card List.  Just the idea of being around such dark energy gives me the heebie-jeebies.  “Why?” you ask.  Simple.  They expect you to divert your time, energy and resources to them so they can accomplish what’s on their agenda.  Your happiness and dreams are not relevant.  You are not relevant.  Well, except for the time, energy and resources you can provide.  Therefore, you as a person are not ‘seen’ or respected.  You are ‘seen’ only as a means to their end.

How do you know you are in a relationship with a energy-leech?  Tell them you need to spend some time working towards your own dreams.  Tell them you are going to start spending you energy elsewhere.  Tell them you can’t pay their bills anymore.  Watch their reaction.  If they throw up a big fuss or lay a huge guilt trip your way, get rid of the fuckers.

August 16, 2011

“A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.” –Doug Larson

I think too much.  I know.  And my thinking gets me into all kinds of trouble!  For instance, I am beginning to think that striving for a clear conscience is psychobabble bullshit.  Our conscience is the inner voice acting as a guide to choose right conduct over wrong conduct.  Fine.  What if someone insists their actions are righteous?  A rationale explanation is created ‘cause it’s their story and they’re sticking to it.  Anyone who has been in a relationship with an alcoholic or philander knows what I’m talking about.  So I started to think maybe having a clear social conscience makes for better behaving human beings. 

But then I started to think about all the shit people have done in the name of the social good or social values.  Nhem En’s rationale was he was just a photographer.  He didn’t do anything.  It was the guards and other staff at S-21 who committed the atrocities.  En only took the pictures.  And if it wasn’t him, En said it would have been someone else.  I am beginning to think that striving for a social conscience is psychobabble chicken shit.

For all this thinking I’m left with shit.  What’s the alternative?  Stop thinking.  Or as the Eightfold Path guides us: Stop wasting mental capacity on wasteful thoughts.  Fuck.  That was easy!  (Hey, where’s a Buddha Easy Button when you need one!)

August 15, 2011

“Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind.” –Lionel Hampton

My mother gave me up for adoption when I was born.  She took me from my adoptive parents when I was 6 months old.  I never have gotten a clear answer from her or any other family member as to why.  She always acted as if she never wanted me.  She was a reluctant caregiver who was apathetic for all the years I can remember living under her roof.  This is the most cohesive version of events I have gathered from a mixture of explanations.

Readers Digest:  Mom went out with a guy a few times.  Five months later, she tells Grandma she’s pregnant.  Grandma takes Mom over to his house to tell his family.  Family says he cannot marry Mom because he’s marrying someone who is also pregnant.  Grandma sends Mom to a house for wayward girls.  (Keep in mind I was born in the early 60s.) Doctor says Mom’s too far along to have abortion.  So Mom stays at the house until I’m born.  I’m taken to my adoptive family.  At this point Mom has signed two sets of documents for the adoption process.  After six months Mom needs to sign the third, and final, set of documents to complete the adoption.  She won’t sign.  Court hands me back to Mom.

I can give you a laundry list of events in my life that injured/strengthened me and brought me to this place.  However, it is not where I focus most of my energy these days.  I know in my heart that I would be a shattered soul if it were not for the unconditional love I received in the first six months of my life.  I have gratitude in my heart for people I do not remember.  I tried finding them several years back; however, states are not used to requests like mine:  I lived with a family for 6 months before the Court gave me back to my biological mother.  Can you help me find my real parents?

August 14, 2011

“Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” -- Dr. Viktor Frankl

Tolerance is the ability to accept different views expressed by others.  It is an attribute I greatly value in others.  In fact is one of the top ‘must haves’ for people I allow into my sacred circle.  I listen for someone to say, “Hey, it’s good you think this; however, I think that.”  Or to say, “I think this and you think that.  Hey, there’s lots of ways to approach the subject.”  Even such a simple thing like how best to reverse out of a parking space.

August 13, 2011

“Truth only reveals itself when one gives up all preconceived ideas.” --Gido Shoseki

I spent many years being unhappy and angry.  I spent years leaving the responsibility of honesty and truth to be revealed by others.  I invested raw emotion in a few precious relationships.  In turn I expected these special people to be accurate with what they wanted and what they needed.  It never created the result I was longing for.

It has only been these past few years I have come to realize I was basing my relationships upon others to be honest with me about their real intents and motives.  I know, I know.  Dumb.  Totally an epic fail.  Today I’m taking responsibility for the truth in my life.  I hear the words, but I believe the actions.  And I find joy in people who are consistent with their words and actions.

I know this may seem like a simple lesson one learns early in life; however, I was raised in a family where secrets and inconsistency are the norm.  Today finding joy in life is my normal.

August 12, 2011

“Not being able to govern events, I govern myself.” –Michel de Montaigne

“This didn’t go right!”  “That is all wrong!”  “Let me tell you what the problem is with what’s-her-name.”  “He is so clueless; that’s why nobody likes to be around him.”

I have found the more a person tries to control outside forces, the unhappier they are with their lives.  It shows in their words and their intent with those words.  And I like to have too much fun in my life to be dragged down by Dottie Depression and Alan Asshole.  Being around chronically unhappy people is such a waste of my white energy.  Downers and jerk-wads are prone to be life-draining vampires, feeding off of the positive in the world.  They don’t seem to know how to create their own, so they leech it from others.  No thanks!  I’d rather donate my share to the American Red Cross.

I have participated in meaningful relationships based upon the back-and-forth passing of negative energy flow.  (Hey, I said meaningful; I didn’t say healthy.)  Been there and done that.  Don’t want that no more.   ‘Cause I can’t get no satisfaction.  Though I tried and I tried and I tried, and I tried.  Unhappy doesn't do it for me.  Joy does. 

You gotta wanna be there.  Just like I gotta wanna be there.  I’m not interested in beating down a sentient being into submission or coaxing in them into compliance.  I get my ‘top cookies’ (Thanks b_playful for letting me steal your line!) when someone asks for more and really, really means it.  This is why I cannot consider a bratty submissive or slave.   I expect the other person on the business-end of my cane to offer their ass up to me willingly.  No pretense, no whining.  Okay, okay, crying is allowed.  Asking for additional strokes is good.  Coming back for more is sweet.  Oh so sweet, like oatmeal raisin cookies! 

August 11, 2011

“If you are not happy here and now, you never will be.” –Taisen Deshimaru

 If you’ve been around me for any length of time, you’ll hear me occasionally say, “I am blessed.”  I do my best to stay in this space and open my mind to the knowledge that I am here, now.  When I am aware of negative emotional torrents are swirling about, I move my mind to the positives in the moment.  I open myself up to the truth: for all that has been and all that is, I am blessed.  It is from this place I take refuge.  I take refuge in the Buddha. I take refuge in the Dharma.  I take refuge in the Sangha.