Figuring It Out

“Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.” –Michael Burke

This is a follow up from yesterday.  And a clarification.

I am not turning into a man-hating or a cross-dress-basher.  What I have shared is about three incidents that occurred within 6 hours of each other at a fetish event.  I let three people know I was interested in them by letting them know I thought they were sexy and gorgeous.  Each person had their own way of conveying how much they wanted to please me.  Which is totally cool and appreciated.  What was not cool and not appreciated was the aggressive manner and brutish conduct I received once I let them know I was interested in becoming intimate.  Which truly shocked me.  I was attracted to these kind, polite, intelligent, funny T-girls.  However once I suggested a change to the relationship, I was dealing with horney, rammy guys wearing dresses.

I know many transgendered gals out there who are the belles of the ball.  And my relationships with them is strictly a ‘no sex’ relationships.  And my intention for writing these latest blogs is not to alienate them.  My reason is to let anyone reading this that I am taking a break from pursuing intimate relationships with T-gals until I can figure out what is fucked up with my filters.

I mean, what is up?  Am I too unreserved at events?  Am I dealing with a series of unfortunate situations so uncommon that I shouldn’t give such reactions any thought?  When I figure it out I’ll let you know.

Wearing A Dress Doesn't Make You A Lady

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” –Abraham Lincoln

I started attending events back in July of last year.  Since then I have been to four.  And I have four more lined up over the next six months.  I attend as a single Domme.  The upside is I don’t have to worry about dramarama.  The downside is I still deal with the same stereotypical bullshit I deal with in vanillaland.

At the last event I attended, I had three people bear hug me and not let go when I pulled away.  One did it while telling me how strong and endowed she is.  One said she wants to put me into sub space.  The third person just couldn’t believe he found an attractive woman who likes CDs.  Whatever their real reasons I do not want to comprehend or understand.  They committed what I consider serious faux pas.

Serious enough that I am deleting my crossdressing.com profile.  And serious enough for me to backpedal from considering genetic men as future sexual partners.  That’s right kiddies!  This chica is being swayed by male bad behavior to keep the ethical slut fun tidbits for the female gender.  I’m still bisexual or pansexual or what every label you wanna place upon me.  However, for an unspecified time period I see myself consistently choosing the gals over guys.  I like to leave my options open for the rare respectful male who won’t pull out of their life toolbox such desperate, forceful coping skills.

The Toughest Life Lesson

“Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid.” –John Wayne  

I've not blogged for a few months.  As with life, it is not one reason but several.  I took a couple of evening classes at the community college to spruce up my resume.  I was annoyed by texts from people who read my blog and thought is was directed at them.  Responsibilities at home, at work and traveling to fetish events all added to me not blogging.  

Sometimes a thought would creep to the forefront of my mind: "Blog. Blog. Blog."  But ya know...just wasn't feeling it.  In the past I would have thrown up a smattering of postings, and again, not for one reason but several.  Knowing others check my blog daily, I do feel a responsibility to create. I have jotted in my notepad many paragraphs of thoughts for blogging, so why not take some time to move them from paper to the web?  I don't like how I feel when I start something and then stop due to outside pressures.  I don't like when I cannot be doing what I want because I have a commitment to obligations outside of "me". 

I didn't want to complete a blog because I know those who check it out or follow me would appreciate a few more tidbits of stuff I don't share normally over a cup of tea.  One of the toughest life lessons for me to 'get it' is doing life at my speed and in my time.  One of the toughest life lessons for me is that I need to balance my life direction with the life directions of my family.  I mean, like, what's more difficult than staying true to a life path while not being seduced by one’s ego?

I Can't Get Off

“Disturbing emotions not only disturb our own state of mind, they also disturb the minds of others.” --Dalai Lama

I know I’ve touched on this before, however it still has an everyday significance in our lives.  Let’s say spiritual, religious or personal practice isn’t your thing.  But you want to make a change or two to lessen the stress in your life.  I suggest this one change: do not keep people who are emotionally imbalanced in your life.

Vivian Green sings about it in Emotional Rollercoaster.  Everything she does to stay balanced is for not because she believes she cannot leave her lover’s emotional rollercoaster.  Lover, friend, co-worker, family – doesn’t matter the relationship.  What matters is realizing that there is energy sucking activity going on.  Personally the only sucking I like is either clit or cock.  Okay, add a nipple or two.  You can suck my toes; however, I will not suck yours.  Apologies, I digress.

The person (or persons) who want to draw you into their mire of emotional wreckage cannot, or will not, produce their own balance.  They truly need your energy to give them solace.  You can continue to use your energy to bolster their ride.  Or you can use your energy to create balance in your life.  Choices, choices, choices.  I’ve spent the past fifteen years allowing others to use my energy for their gain.  No more.  Today I use my energy for my balance, my life choices.  I invite you to do the same. 

Being Grateful

“If you don't think every day is a good day, just try missing one.” --Cavett Robert

I was asked to today: “Are you a glass-half-full or glass-half-empty person?”  After a slight pause I answered, “I’m a grateful-to-have-a-glass person.”

The Creation Myth

“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was talking with someone the other day after a meeting.  He shared with me he was anxious to leave and get home to check the mail.  He was waiting for a letter (which was a week late) and if it wasn’t in the mailbox, he was going to call the firm’s office.  I commented that it was almost 8 o’clock at night and no one would be there to address his concern.  Silence.  I quipped, “There is always a tomorrow.”  He replied, “Ya have to live like there is no tomorrow.”

He is right.  There is no tomorrow.  Tomorrow is an idea.  It does not exist, it will never exist.  To have thoughts about a tomorrow is to invite dissatisfaction.  The future, as we script it in our imagination, never comes to pass the way we envision it.  Tomorrow will always fall short when compared to those vividly crafted dreams reworked to perfection. 

I am right.  Another day will dawn.  There will be another moment beyond this one.  Though this moment is what matters the most, it does not stay still.  It evolves into another moment.  And another.  Eventually the moon will settle against the horizon and give way to a rising sun.   What is not a given is that I, a sentient being, may not be here to experience the next day.

Most people create a tomorrow in which they exist in it.  I believe it is from this premise we set ourselves up for continuous disappointment, or constant suffering.  Attachment occurs when I believe my existence is crucial to the sun rising in the morning.  Illusions begin when I act on the belief that the waxing of the moon requires my existence.  Such nonsense.  Yet we all go about our days making choices and taking action based upon this silliness.  Want to live like there’s no tomorrow?  Then live in this moment.  And nothing more.

Guess Who?

“The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.” –Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Staying silent.  Leaving out pertinent information during conversations.  Conscious bait-and-switch.  Subconscious behavioral patterns.  Fear-based reactions.  Attachments.

I find most people get into relationship trouble, especially in the fetish community, when they are not honest with themselves.  Don’t tell me you want to be someone’s play toy and then cry foul when you don’t get lovey, dovey texts throughout the day.  What would possess a kinky-only-in-the-bedroom type to submit a petition to be a collared slave?

I’m at that stage with my meditation where the shit bubbling up is self involved.  Sometimes it’s boring stuff.  Sometimes it’s scary stuff.  Whatever comes to the surface helps me keep an even keel in the sometimes confusing waters of FetishLand.  I encounter my share of biases.  For some I am “not real” because I won’t play privately with people I don’t know well.   For some I am “responsible” because I keep myself safe by playing in public play spaces.  Regardless of what others think, I am me.  Sometimes I get a meanie bug up my ass and one could tag my role as Sadist.  Sometimes I want to cause pain and  portray the pornographic image of a Dominatrix; therefore, you could identify me as a Service Top.  When I get the hots for someone who only wants it in the bedroom and then call me kinkster.

Every so often on FetLife a group discussion pops up about what constitutes a _______.  Fill in the blank with a FetLife role or what I refer to as a personal designation.  Today mine is posted as a Domme.  The dilemma I encounter with any fetish social network is the understanding of what these roles mean.  Someone asked me once if I was a Sadist.  My reply was, “I can be.”  I don’t hide the ebbs and flows of what comprises “me”.  And I know several others who don’t hide themselves.  For others who are stuck on the labels and the pigeonholes, this can be irritating.  For those who are aloof towards the labels, there is liberation.  For those who are releasing the attachments to roles or designations, there is life.